Not my best moment but fuck off anyway

Last night I was trying to get back into my tai chi.
I havent been sleeping well so I thought a little exercise would be good.

Well, I started thinking about why I wasnt sleeping and realized the very VERY few days I have to sleep the down stairs neighbor has been the one to keep me up with her parties and fights with whoever. So I started stomping moves out of anger. STOMPING!

I stopped after about 2 minutes when another neighbor said it was disrupting him. I apologized and told him it will never happen again (because it really wont and that guy will be getting leftover cupcakes Sunday that Im making for a different residents birthday party)

I shouldnt have done what I did.
I even told that to the landlord today when he was changing the locks and brought it up.

BUT.

When she came up 12 hours after the stomping and said "Not cool! I wake up for work at 6am!" I looked at the clock (11:30 am)
I laughed in her face. Told her about how I actually have to work nights and wake up with my child at 6am and I did not appreciate her parties and temper tantrums after 2am.
She said it wasnt her.
"I dont have a boyfriend!"
"Then your baby daddy. I dont care what you call him but I can reenact your entire fight."
She looked at me like "umm"
I said, "Look, if you wake me up again. Im calling the cops. Its that simple. We are done."
And shut the door.

All I heard after that was a "UH! WOW!" and furious texting.

Yep, I was in the wrong and was totally immature for a minute but the message has been delivered!

DO NOT FUCK WITH A MOTHER ON VERY LITTLE SLEEP!!

Cause we will get you...not right away but oh fuck... we will get you..


*Im not allowing comments on this post because I dont even want to fucking hear it, Im so sick of everyone's bullshit online and off  that Im bursting and is probably whats prompting my momentary psycho thing.*

Well, thats what I get for caring.

Its 6am. Im never up this early but Ive been thrown off because of yesterday. I went through hell.

Two weeks ago I got a call from a woman I dont know saying Maor was in jail and asked if I would help. I told her good fucking luck because I do not think that I should be getting a call from a third party asking for my help. My stand was if he wanted help he should call me himself. I did call his parents and thanked her for helping him.

I called in a favor and asked why he was in jail. They said he got into an accident but had to arrest him for a past drunk and disorderly. That is not like him at all... he doesnt drink and while hes loud and says some pretty stupid shit... I dont think he would be arrested for disorderly ever. BUT he has been acting weird for the past year so I accepted it as maybe this kiosk cult hes gotten into has changed him that much.

Now fast forward to yesterday... I still havent heard from him.
I called his parents, because I actually talk to Maors parents WAY more than he does now. Its weird and probably the biggest red flag as to how much hes changed in a year.
They havent talked to him since they got the call from the strange woman saying he was in jail either but a different 3rd party assured them he was out and ok.
So I called the different 3rd party to try and get a message out for Maor to call SOMEONE. They told me they hadent talked to Maor in months and never told Maors parents he was ok.

So because something was fishy I called in another favor and found out that the person charged with drunk and disorderly was not actually Maor. It was someone who was just had his wallet.

Thats when I lost it. I actually thought Maor was dead.
He hadent called for Lea in weeks, his family didnt hear from him, strange calls, ect...
I was pretty sure he was dead in a ditch somewhere and the guilt from not trying to find him sooner just consumed me.

I blew up the strange womans phone. She refused to tell me anything and kept hanging up on me. At one point she said "Do you want me to call the police?"
I said "YES!"

Fast forward a few thousand phone calls later. Maor did finally pick up and all he said was "I dont want to talk to you" and hung up.

Great, hes alive.

Hes just a jerk but an alive jerk.

So I passed out from some sort of adrenaline/crying fit of exhaustion.

Annnnddd woke up at 4am unable to fall asleep thinking about how stupid I am for wasting time on him.

My first party

Today I threw my first party. Well, it was more like a get together. All my best friends showed up...and one guy that it turns out I dont know how I know.

I have had someone as a facebook friend for 4 years that I cant remember how they got there.
When I moved back to Madison he sent me a message saying we should hang out again sometime. I looked at his profile and he looks a lot like a guy I went to college with so I assumed thats how I knew him and invited him to the party. The name was not a tip off because there were 3 guys with that same first name in most of my classes.

When he walked in and wasnt all "HEY MAN!" to my other college friend who would have had all the same classes with us if he was who I thought he was I realized I have NO IDEA how I knew this guy. I didnt want to say anything so I just introduced him and acted like nothing was weird.

Luckily, he was very nice. He brought a nice whiskey (which I totally forgot about when we all got talking and feel like an ass for not opening), ice cream for the teenagers, and ice. He also fit right in with the group that was there.

When everyone started leaving my 2 girlfriends and I were talking about seeing a movie and he left. After a minute I said, "OK! I have no idea who that guy was!" and explained the whole thing. They think hes cool so they are just going to invite him to a game night.
Whats really funny is everyone said he looked kinda familiar but just assumed he was from a different group of my friends. Maybe he just has one of those faces.

Anyway, made a new friend (or am refinding an old friend...I have no idea) and I got a lot of nice gifts which I was NOT expecting. I should have said no gifts but I didnt even think about it.

I think it was a success. Maybe I'll have more parties.

Life after CW

I could probably write a novel about the past 2 weeks.
Everything has changed. EVERYTHING.

I thought I was going to be cool writing this but Im just going to puke words onto a screen because while I would like to say Im calm and collected Im FREAKING out inside.

I think if I was 18...or even 25 I would be able to handle things better. Being 30 with a 2 year old to take care of this is too much change. Too damn much.

CW is gone. I keep accidentally checking the site because I just want to chit chat or post a picture and it depresses me every time I see that note saying its gone.
I have been thinking about finding a new place to cam again. I could use the extra money and Im actually going a little crazy not being able to flash my boobs (Im weird, I know) but I havent yet. I already know I will NEVER find a CW again and I think the community is what I really want back before the money and the need to flash people.

I moved. I am happier already. The apartment is the perfect size for us, everything is new, the neighbors may or may not exist...I dont know, they are too quiet... and while Im a half hour from a grocery store with reasonable prices we are surrounded by parks so with the weather being so nice we wake up and head straight outside to play.
My mother actually came over for dinner and a movie. Shes NEVER done that before, possibly because I had a cat and shes really allergic.
I had friends come over when I first moved in and they were beyond helpful!! I need to throw a housewarming/Thank you party. Last week I was still putting the house together and this week I have to go back to MN to clean out the last of the crap I couldnt get out 2 weeks ago.

Leas turning 3 next week!
Im sure everyone just rolled their eyes but when I run out of things to stress out about that is what keeps me awake. Shes turning 3. She will be in school in a couple years. The fact that she even dresses herself right now makes me want to burst into tears.
I could still be a little stressed out...

RIP

As Im sure everyone knows Camwhores is shutting down on March 17th.
We are all VERY sad about this.
To me its very much salt and lemon juice in already gaping wounds.
I love CW. I love the people. Its my home. Its the only cam site I have ever been consistent on because its the only one I really liked.

I had my last show the Thursday before last. A fan of CW who became a good friend of mine actually sponsored the mini vacation spot for Lea and I to have fun (they have a kids water park that Lea LOVED so much) and for me to put on my last show.
He had sent me a text message that night saying he wouldnt be able to watch the show but couldnt wait to see it later.
The next morning while I was checking out he texted me asking if we had fun. I told him we had a blast (because we did!). He said, "Good, that was the point".
He died sometime that day after sending me that message.

Later my aunt had another health scare.

I did manage to make it down to WI last week and find a new place to live. Its not a house like I wanted but its a brand new complex (I'll be the first one to live there which makes me crazy nervous about putting up pictures and artwork) and its spitting distance from a park. Its also in my budget which has gotten considerably smaller after I was smacked with the realization that Maor has no interest in helping with anything Lea related.
I had wished it wouldnt be like this. We were trying to work things out. Then one night I let him take Lea to a Shabbat dinner. He came back without her favorite blanket. I told him to go back and get it and he said no, she could live without it for a day.
That was when I SNAPPED. Any idiot with a kid knows you do NOT willingly let your kid go without their favorite thing unless you want a world of pain and high pitched screaming brought down on your stupid head.
So I took an hour off work to follow him to his apartment and get it myself and come back.
His selfishness was out of control.
It hasnt gotten better.
He had the balls to show up here a couple weeks ago with new contacts, a new watch, tie, shirt, pants, shoes. I wanted to slap the shit out of him because he hasnt offered a dime towards anything Lea related EVER. Instead I asked him about all the new things then asked if he could cover half of Leas diapers and health insurance every month to help me out. He said ok.

He hasnt called for her since. I call him and put her on speaker phone without saying a thing at least once a week when she asks about him. Apparently thats enough for him. I actually talk to his parents more than him now. They keep asking me if hes on drugs. I really dont think he is. I think hes just self absorbed, lazy, and ignoring me because hes spent all his money on stuff for himself.

At least I found a place. Its by my parents and near friends. If I cant get support from Leas dad then I will be around people who are there for me.
Now I just need to spend the next 2 weeks packing and purging. Maor left most of his things behind which Im going to give him fair warning to pick up or I will sell/toss them.

The rest of the month is going to be hard emotionally and physically but Im really hoping when spring comes we will be settled and happy starting a new life. I hope I will be jumping out of bed instead of crawling out.  I know thats what my friend would have wanted. I know thats what a lot of people want for me and I appreciate it so much.

We'll never be royals

Where do I begin? The last month has been a bitch.

Maor left. Did I mention that? I dont actually remember. Days run together.

I cant get Lea and I adjusted because Im being chased around by my Grandma and Aunt on a regular basis. You would think it would be helpful having other people around the house when your working and trying to raise a child but it is exactly the opposite. Everything I do is under a microscope.
I made boxed mac & cheese for me and Lea last night, we didnt eat it all so I threw what we didnt eat out. This morning I got a lecture on throwing food away. It was on sale... it was my $0.50 to waste...fuck off.
If I use a sandwich bag to store raw chicken and toss it out the bag will be sitting on the counter the next day, along with everything else I threw in the trash. I will get a lecture on how wasteful I am.
While I admit I have been lethargic and reclusive in the last month (mostly due to whats been going on and the house Ive been living in) their incessant need to govern my life is also getting to Lea.

We need a new routine. My aunt insists on dragging her out to different places constantly. She says my pulling her from daycare upsets her so she drags her around from place to place while Im working and says "see she needs friends, shes getting worse!" when Lea is tired and cranky.
I snapped about a week ago and told her that Lea's being cranky was that her routine is FUCKED! No dad, her not sticking to the schedule I had, being dragged to the Y all the time. We may not talk about what is going on in front of her but she knows. Shit is not right and its messing with her little world.

Thanksgiving my aunt didnt go to my mothers house with me because she didnt want my mom telling HER how to deal with my divorce.

My aunt makes stupid jokes about how my next divorce will be better.

Gramzy would be great if she didnt feel the need to tell you how to do everything.

I decided to kill Sumomo this morning. Shes been marking in corners of the house for months and throwing up all over. Yesterday I found she peed on Leas stuffed animal and chair so I washed both and she had peed on them again within hours.

Judge me if you want...Im fucking use to it now with my family.
Its a cat vs child situation at this point. I will always pick my daughter.

Gramzy kept an eye on Lea while I took Sumomo to the vet.
I think Sumomo knew she was going to die or she was much sicker than I thought. Last time I took her to a vet they wouldnt see her because she was aggressive towards them. I warned this vet that would happen and instead of a fight to the death she laid down and died. She made more of a fuss when I sneezed then when they stuck the needle in her.

I hate myself. I killed my cat, I cant keep a husband, I cant throw out coffee grounds without someone having something to say about it .

If Im not at rock bottom than I dont ever EVER want to get closer. Its too hard to get out of bed as it is.

Fuck you

The final nail is in the coffin. I wont go throwing my dirty laundry all over the internet but I will say Im a strong bullheaded woman who heard something no one should hear in a relationship.

"Your not worth it."

For 2 days I held it together. I started filing for divorce. I held my head up and pushed on. On the 3rd day I crumbled and cried all day long. I should have called in sick to work. Especially after I had to explain to half my family why Maor wasnt home. I didnt. Im not even going to pretend that I really worked. I'll make up the hours Sunday. I feel bad for the people I work with, they probably think Im a scatter brained idiot.  I wasnt focused. I havent been focused. I was so worried about saving a marriage that cant be saved because I REALLY dont like being a 30 year old single mother.

Now I see where I need to be. I need to pull on my big girl pants, focus on Lea and work and maybe get the hell out of dodge. I hate MN. 4 years I havent made any friends. People here are only nice to your face.

I am worth it. Lea is worth it.

Fuck you.