Monday, December 8, 2014

We'll never be royals

Where do I begin? The last month has been a bitch.

Maor left. Did I mention that? I dont actually remember. Days run together.

I cant get Lea and I adjusted because Im being chased around by my Grandma and Aunt on a regular basis. You would think it would be helpful having other people around the house when your working and trying to raise a child but it is exactly the opposite. Everything I do is under a microscope.
I made boxed mac & cheese for me and Lea last night, we didnt eat it all so I threw what we didnt eat out. This morning I got a lecture on throwing food away. It was on sale... it was my $0.50 to waste...fuck off.
If I use a sandwich bag to store raw chicken and toss it out the bag will be sitting on the counter the next day, along with everything else I threw in the trash. I will get a lecture on how wasteful I am.
While I admit I have been lethargic and reclusive in the last month (mostly due to whats been going on and the house Ive been living in) their incessant need to govern my life is also getting to Lea.

We need a new routine. My aunt insists on dragging her out to different places constantly. She says my pulling her from daycare upsets her so she drags her around from place to place while Im working and says "see she needs friends, shes getting worse!" when Lea is tired and cranky.
I snapped about a week ago and told her that Lea's being cranky was that her routine is FUCKED! No dad, her not sticking to the schedule I had, being dragged to the Y all the time. We may not talk about what is going on in front of her but she knows. Shit is not right and its messing with her little world.

Thanksgiving my aunt didnt go to my mothers house with me because she didnt want my mom telling HER how to deal with my divorce.

My aunt makes stupid jokes about how my next divorce will be better.

Gramzy would be great if she didnt feel the need to tell you how to do everything.

I decided to kill Sumomo this morning. Shes been marking in corners of the house for months and throwing up all over. Yesterday I found she peed on Leas stuffed animal and chair so I washed both and she had peed on them again within hours.

Judge me if you want...Im fucking use to it now with my family.
Its a cat vs child situation at this point. I will always pick my daughter.

Gramzy kept an eye on Lea while I took Sumomo to the vet.
I think Sumomo knew she was going to die or she was much sicker than I thought. Last time I took her to a vet they wouldnt see her because she was aggressive towards them. I warned this vet that would happen and instead of a fight to the death she laid down and died. She made more of a fuss when I sneezed then when they stuck the needle in her.

I hate myself. I killed my cat, I cant keep a husband, I cant throw out coffee grounds without someone having something to say about it .

If Im not at rock bottom than I dont ever EVER want to get closer. Its too hard to get out of bed as it is.


  1. ok. you're frustrated, angry, upset and think you have nothing to look forward to. you are wrong - you just don't see it yet for it is over the horizon. this really sucks, because I for one have been anxiously awaiting your next post - hoping that I would hear how happy you and Lea are without that dude around to degrade you. You are tired of criticism and want to do things your way. I don't know the dynamic up there in your house, but I know the last generation thinks each generation after it does everything wrong. That is part of the cycle of life. They also eat NASTY, uncooked and substandard meats. We are spoiled bitches. You have a job. You have a roof. You have a great little girl. You have people around you who, while they do not necessarily go about it the right way, love you and want the best for you. It could be worse. Give it some time - it will get better. It is never as bad as you think it is when it is bad and is rarely as good as you think it is when things are good. Chin up!

  2. Damn, woman. My heart goes out to you. I too have a hard time understanding why life has to be this hard.

  3. Where do i begin? at the end, where you say you hate yourself? i like the title of your blog...its the classic old fight with the grandiose self, one does not live up to their inner grandiose expectations of living perfect glorious perfect royalty, like a princess ...and starts to loathe themselves because their inner grandiose desires are being thwarted by a harsh reality in the present...

    because of your inclinations to raw cynical blogging humour, sometimes i can't tell if your serious...but there was a lot of negativity in this blog, i just can't help thinking that your thinking and perceptions are not right... for instance, you did not kill your cat, you kindly put the animal out of its misery.. i thought it was courageous on your part. ....its not so much that that you couldn't keep a husband ...are you feeling guilty now about the jerk who in your previous blog said you were "not worth it"? you should have never married that loser in the first should be thankful to life that he is finally out of you and your daughter.

    ok i understand its not ideal now, family is there helping but its a bit too cramped for comfort and their personalities are getting on your nerves ...but i still think its better to have your aunt and gramzy around at this time rather than being completely alone struggling to take care of your daughter ...what can i say? everyone has their stupid hangups, even grandmothers...get around it by throwing the food scraps in a public trashcan on your way to work...dont worry, its only temporary, they won't be there should be be positive, positive attitude will create luck for you...if you think negative , then you will always be walking with a black cloud over your might have not reached rock bottom yet. please be patient, things will eventually get better for you...especially your next divorce :-)) just kidding, my heart and thoughts are with you, and i am hoping all the best for you...take care

  4. I know its a tough time for you and you might not be in the mood, but try to celebrate the Christmas season, bring your daughter to see Santa, dress the tree, drink some punch, and have a little fun. Don't worry, it may not seem it now but it will all turn out good for you in the end. Best wishes to you for a better 2015.

  5. I hate negativity and depression. I want to see the silver lining in every cloud and to point out the things I am thankful for in times like the one you are facing. One of the difficult aspects of your situation is that it is not the future you mapped out for yourself AND for this cute little girl you have brought into this world. I do not know to what extent jackass is going to play a role in her life if any at all. It would be nice if he manned up and at the very least satisfied his financial obligations, but if he doesn't do that I am not sure how much you want him around or if he is even a good daddy - it sure doesn't seem like he was a good husband. Forgive me if any of this is off base since I am only exposed to the information you put on here. You will be happy again, there is no question about that. I hope y'all had a nice Christmas and that you are going to have a great 2015.

  6. ...hey, where are you? come up for air! we are all worried about you...give us a sign of life, rant a bit, anything, we are all concerned and we friggin need you ...sincerely hope your ok. Wishing you heaps of good luck and that your guardian angel vigilantly watches over and protects you and your daughter in 2015.

  7. C'mon Diane! You're a badass and always have been. Do not let this scumbag get you down. You are still YOU damnit.