Saturday, December 19, 2015

Maybe its a sign?

After I came home from Israel I called the pre school Lea was supposed to be enrolled in and said I wanted her in for the next semester. I had her enrollment fee and paperwork in back in August and she was geared up to go till I decided to run half way around the world.
They told me there was still room for the days I wanted and it was no problem.
Last week I went in to drop off her immunization records (that they dont require till 30 days after the child starts) and the lady said she thought all the classes were full and I couldnt get in.
Excuse me? My daughter has been enrolled for half a year. Weeks ago there was no issue but now we are bumped?

I didnt freak out. She said someone would call me and let me know. I havent heard anything. I dont think I will because now its Christmas break. I will call a couple times anyway to try and get an answer starting Monday.

Im thinking this is a sign.
I do really want to visit my older sister and her 2 kids in Malaysia. Maybe we should just go.
I also told my in laws I would try to be back for Passover if I can afford it.

Maybe this is just what is supposed to happen. Instead of being in a structured classroom my daughter will just learn from interacting with kids that dont speak her language (my sister was raised in Germany her kids dont speak much English and of course the Israeli family speaks Hebrew) in a verity of social situations in different cultures.

Its not the American suburban wonder bread way but maybe it will just be our way.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

You havent seen me angry yet

I found out some of the paperwork I got for my divorce was wrong and there is some other stuff you get after you physically file that everyone needs to sign.

Maor still wont answer my calls.

His parents suggested I call his cousin that he still talks to and ask him to call me. So I did.
I was not pleased with what the cousin said.

Maor is not talking to me because he came to visit a couple weeks ago and I wouldnt let him in the house. He also wants to be away from drama. That is complete bullshit. Maor has NEVER tried to come visit. He hasnt even called.

I told his cousin thank you for the information and for trying.

Inside Im in a rage.

He hasnt come to visit. The only drama is coming from his ignoring the fact that hes an adult with a wife and a child.

Ive decided that after Disney Im going up to Minneapolis again and Im going to stay there as long as it takes to hunt him down and get him to sign. Too bad for him I am relentless and know exactly where to go. I also have no shame when Im angry and will tell EVERYONE what he has done till he signs. I dont give a shit. Im building a new life without him all I need is him out.
He can ignore us as much as he wants when Im not legally bonded to him.

Im on the fucking war path now.

Maor, if you still read my blog, you dont want to know whats going to happen when I get up there but I will tell you anyway. You have 2 weeks to stop acting like a child before I rip you out of your hiding place. I will find you, I will ruin whatever reputation you have made for yourself, I will make you sign the fucking divorce papers, and I will smile the whole time after the lies you have spread.

There is nowhere for you to hide. You and I both know I have all means to hunt you down. I will probably beat you with the paperwork too, which is thick so thats no joke.

My anger at this point has no end.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Im not dead yet!

Well, Im still alive.

Israel was pretty damn awesome.
I hate to say it but the stabbings made it more enjoyable. Instead of them feeling like we should go to every tourist spot that I have seen twice already we stayed around Haifa and went to the beach a lot.
I was in heaven.

Yes tourist spots are great and I LOVE seeing historical sites but I was working my regular hours which in Israel is 12am-8am. So I slept for about 4 hours every day because even though they insisted I sleep they are fucking loud by nature. I can hear an Israeli coming from a mile away. I did have ear plugs because I knew what I was getting into....thats how I got my 4 hours of sleep a day.

So, to explain the previous blog post:
I got home the week of my birthday. I told Maor not to come that first weekend because my aunt and grandma were coming for my birthday and Halloween. My family HATES Maor because of what he has said to me, his not paying child support we agreed on, his now frequent disappearing acts, and lots of other things that happened while we were married that just made them angry.
So my asking him to wait till the week after was really for his own benefit. Who wants to show up to see their kid to be greeted by a family that would turn their backs to an accident happening.
He said OK.

After Lea and I got home I became so sick that my parents thought I was going to die and ended up taking Lea for a while.
I had a temperature of 103 for 2 days straight and started hallucinating.
Before I started getting REALLY bad I called Maor 3 days before he was supposed to come visit and asked if he could come early to take care of Lea. He said he couldnt but suggested I go to the hospital told me to call him later.
2 days later when my fever broke and I could kind of function again I remembered it was the day he was supposed to show up. I called him. No answer. Text. No answer. Facebook. No answer.
I went to the hospital a couple weeks later because whatever I had came back. My parents took Lea again.
I texted Maor to tell him I was in the ER. I called his parents when I got out of the ER. Still nothing from him.

That was 11/6. Its 12/12.

Not for my lack of trying. Ive tried calling, texting, facebook, pleading, threats, calling his parents, skype. NOTHING. No answers.

I think hes seeing someone else. I told his parents that because I still talk to them once or twice a week. Hes not even talking to them anymore.

The explains the last post.

So now Lea and I are doing Hanukkah and preparing for Disney.
I dont know what Lea is going to do when Hanukkah ends. Every night now she gets excited when the sun goes down and sits at the table waiting for me to light the candles and give her presents for the night. That ends in 2 days.

We leave for Disney on the 23rd. The whole thing has been planned out because my aunt Mary is stupidly excited and has been thinking about this for a year.
Im just looking forward to some real time off, seeing family I havent got to really visit with in YEARS, a pool, sun, seeing Leas little face when she sees the freaking castle and all her favorite characters.

My whole plan is to wake Lea up super early on the day we leave and give her a new Disney themed backpack (to be determined, I havent been shopping), new coloring book, new crayons, and her Ipod loaded up with her Disney movies and tell her to get her butt out the door. Shes 3 so she wont get it but that part will be for me. We have to drive 3 hours to the airport.

Its going to be fucking magical. We both deserve a fucking magical week.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

This post is for one person.


What the fuck?

You have gone M.I.A again.

I dont care what your reasoning is to your parents.

Im currently trying to figure out what to do with you from now on. We will be divorced by the end of the year even if I have to drive up there and make you sign things myself. I wont bring Lea if I do have to come find you. It will just be me and the wrath you know I can bring, behind me.

I just need to figure out what to tell Lea.

Also, Ive decided we are going to Malaysia to visit my sister. I know how much you love the idea of me going to a primarily Muslim country to visit my pro Palestinian family.
Sit on that for a bit.

Happy Holidays.

-Your wife.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Lost in Translation

Lea and I have made it to Israel.
The flight was hell for me. We left at 7pm on Sunday night. Lea slept all the way to Amsterdam but I couldnt sleep for the life of me. I was too excited/nervous.
I was worried that the thing I have to log in for work would be blocked for some reason. I was worried that everything would be super weird with the family seeing as Im divorcing their son.
So no sleep for me. When we got to Amsterdam I was hoping to check into a hotel that I saw in the airport last year but it was under construction so I walked around with Lea till I couldnt move anymore. I plugged her into Disney movies on the Ipad and slept in paranoid 10-20 minute intervals.
We where stuck there for 8 hours. It actually turned into 10 hours because when they started boarding the flight they announced a security issue and made everyone go through security again. 
We arrived in Tel Avivi at 3:30am on Tuesday (their time). 

I dont remember much about Tuesday. I napped off and on and we went to Great Grandpas house. Then I had to work at 1am on Wed.

My hours for work didnt change and I never planned on asking for any time off. So on a normal day here in Israel I work 12am to 8am. 
My schedule has been run around all day, sleep for 2-4 hours, work 8 hours, sleep another 2-4 hours, run around....repeat.
Energy drinks are about $0.50 when you do the conversion though so I have been living off those.

We have been having a great time. Everyone is being super nice. They are really happy to see Lea. 
We have gone to fairs, bbqs, the beach, pools. Its been awesome so far.

Im actually having more fun now then I ever did coming here with Maor. I get to talk more. If I want something I have to suck it up and communicate or figure out a way to get it myself instead of being a sissy and relying on him to do everything for me.
I feel better about being here now. Depending on if Im still in high spirits at the end of the month and how much I end up spending I think its entirely possible that I could really make this kind of trip once a year no problem.

The only time I felt slightly uncomfortable so far was a total misunderstanding.
Ive been hanging out with one of Maors sister a lot. She asked me if I wanted to go to a pub around 4pm for a beer. I said sure.
So at 3:45 I was hanging out on the couch and she said "Get ready!"
I was wearing a pair of jean shorts and plain t-shirt. I looked down at myself and said "I am ready, I just need to get my shoes."
Her "Noooo! You need to dress up!"
Me "Why? We are going for a beer."
Her "Everyone dresses up to go to the pub."
We argued about it for a little bit and I sighed and put on more of a going out shirt but kept the shorts. We had an argument about how my shorts are beach shorts in Israel.
She tried to dress me in her cloths (we have totally different tastes) and I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to wear jean shorts and wasnt doing my makeup so lets just fucking go.

The pub was not a pub. It was a night club that was confused about the time.
Club dance music, people dancing on the bar, confetti guns.... holy shit.
I had fun but thats not a pub!
Im still arguing with her about the meaning of pub and club.

One week down. 

I hope we get to go to Jeruselem before we have to leave. We where supposed to go yesterday but because of the terrorist attacks we are staying away from it.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Lets get out of here!

Well, I did have Lea enrolled in preschool and swim classes...

Then I lost my damn mind and decided that I should go to Israel to visit the inlaws for a month.

Ok, I didnt really lose my mind. I have a job where I can work from anywhere and Lea doesnt HAVE to be in school for another 2 years so I just decided to take advantage of my flexibility and take Lea to spend time with the other side of her family. They will like it, she needs to get to know that half of the family, and I... am probably going to end up doing some sort of Eat, Pray, Love thing out of all of this.

I need to buy a new phone so I can get international data and texting for free on my plan.
If you would like updates while Im in Israel...keep reading this blog or see my snapchat: Immora or twitter: Immora1
Its free.

If you want to help pay for the new phone.... donate link is over there --->

If you dont, Im getting it anyway because upgrading my phone is cheaper than international rates! And my phone is 3 years old. Im surprised it still works.

I went on a date tonight.  Im torn on how it went. He was nice, interesting, and funny. I really liked him. I dont like that I liked him. Im slightly disgusted with myself for liking him.
If he doesnt like me Im going to be disappointed.
If he does like me Im leaving the country for a month and who will actually wait around for that?
This is a disaster.
If I actually thought I was going to like someone I never would have done this dating thing!

Monday, August 3, 2015

Special post: Where are they now

Its really not a special post. I just havent posted anything in so long its more of an update.

Im feeling much better. I snapped out of my sadness a few weeks ago. Im not even sure how it happened, it really was like something in my head flipped a switch.
I had a huge fight with Maor, again. Hes dropped off the face of the earth, again.
2 days after the fight I just woke up and didnt care anymore.
It also helps that about a week after that my mom suggested Emergenzzzz. Its actually helping me stay asleep at night so Im not exhausted 2 hours I wake up. I do have an issue with horrible nightmares but when I wake up screaming I dont lay awake for hours anymore.
Im in a much better mood. Lea and I are doing a lot more.

I even went on a semi blind date. I knew what he looked like and that he was big into mountain bike racing.
It was....not good.
What I thought was limited information about him was actually ALL the information about him.
The only thing he talked about was biking. The only hobby he has is biking. He quit college after one year to focus on biking.
We went biking. To a restaurant but he was so spacey he kept getting lost (even though he goes to this place a lot). A 2 mile ride turned into 10 miles in 87 degree heat. He thought it was awesome and showed me his app that tracks routes and miles. I was ready to strangle him.
To my surprise he actually texted me later saying he had a great time and wanted to know if I wanted to get together and just chill and watch a movie.
Im pretty sure that was the first time in my life I have gotten a text like that from a nice really hot guy and my reaction was to scream in horror, hide my phone under a pillow, and hope it disappeared. If I have to hear about the joys of biking again I'll hurt someone.

Lea and I went on a girls weekend with 3 of my girlfriends last weekend.
We went to the Renaissance fair which is a 2 hour drive away. No one wanted to wake up at 5am to put on our elaborate costumes and get there by the time the fair opened so we all split a hotel room.
Lea had the best time.
As soon as we told her she was going to see pirates and fairies she kept saying she wanted to find the Sea Witch (a character on her new favorite show Jake and the Neverland Pirates).
We found a couple women dressed like witches and told Lea to go talk to them. Her eyes got as big as dinner plates and she eventually walked up to them. One gave her a marble and told her something but I didnt catch it cause I was trying to get pictures. She was the happiest little thing after and yelled "THANK YOU SEA WITCH!" while we walked away.
We also found a woman dressed as Maleficent who pulled off the look so well you would actually think Angelina Jolie was walking around in character. It was crazy! We pointed her out to Lea and I had a hard time keeping up with her as she ran up to her. She gave her a hug, we took pictures, and Lea asked her if she wanted to come with us. Everyone in a 30 foot radius awwed.
She didnt walk up to one single fairy or "nice" looking person. She was all skulls and bad guys. Thats my baby.
I had my own little following. Kids ran up to me and wanted pictures. 3 little girls gave me leaves and twigs as presents and kept finding me at different times with different friends also dressed up as fairies. They where convinced that I knew every fairy there.
We had a great time. A few of my favorite pictures:

Lea and I have our things we do now. We go to the library, the bakery down the road gives free cookies to kids under 12, Ive found all the good parks in the area, there is a "beach" we go to, the town we are in has a cinema thats great for kids because the sound system isnt that great and its small, and the zoo is a favorite of Leas.

Its not a bad update.

Friday, June 12, 2015

By my pretty little bonnet

Today was not a good day.

I worked a double shift type thing. Cause I really owe someone for the shifts they have covered for me and Im banking hours for the Disney World Christmas.

Did I mention that yet? I dont think I did.
My Florida residing aunt bought most of the family passes to Disney World for a week over Christmas and rented a cottage so all the little kids can be together. I cant wait! Lea is really too young for anything but the Magic Kingdom but shes never met her cousins, I havent seen my cousins in ages, the cottage is right on the safari part so we can see the animals from our rooms, and FUCKING SPACE MOUNTAIN!!!!!! day...
That wasnt that bad. It was a rainy day so all Lea wanted to do was color and watch movies anyway. And really, after doing 18 hour days in retail during the holidays while pregnant, sitting on my butt staring at a computer is a cake walk.

What sucked was Maor called. He hasnt called, emailed, texted, or even asked for Lea in WEEKS and yesterday his parents quizzed me on how much he called because apparently hes telling them he calls all the time and I dont let him talk to Lea.
So of course he actually called today.

Before I let him talk to Lea I quizzed him myself, where has he been, why hasnt he called for her, where is the money we agreed on for child support? No answer was a good one but the thing that slapped me in the face was that he said I could have child support when the court ordered it. THAT is not Maor. Someone told him to say that. God forbid I ever find out who it is. Their death may not be the result of my work but it will be long and painful....and probably the result of a tragic long and painful accident.

Another side note. He looks like shit. Hes lost a ton of weight and is super pale. To be fair, I look like shit too but Im working full time and raising a child while also trying to maintain a social life so hopefully I look like happy shit.

After the conversation and after I made it clear that if he does a disappearing act again I will never let him talk to Lea again (that was what my dad did. He popped in and out when he felt like it. It was painful to grow up with and I refuse to let Maor do that to Lea.) I put Lea on.

From the things he said to Lea it is now a race to get paperwork in. Hes going to leave the country. Leas documents are all in a safety deposit box that only I can get in so I dont need to worry about him taking her that but I cannot imagine that trying to divorce someone over seas is easy.

On the bright side. Tomorrow Im going to have donuts, coffee, and go see Jurassic World with one of my best friends. We both have wonky schedules but we refuse to be the last people to see this movie! Its going to be fun.

Lea is also starting gymnastics soon.

Things really are getting better. We just have to take the ups with the downs.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Not my best moment but fuck off anyway

Last night I was trying to get back into my tai chi.
I havent been sleeping well so I thought a little exercise would be good.

Well, I started thinking about why I wasnt sleeping and realized the very VERY few days I have to sleep the down stairs neighbor has been the one to keep me up with her parties and fights with whoever. So I started stomping moves out of anger. STOMPING!

I stopped after about 2 minutes when another neighbor said it was disrupting him. I apologized and told him it will never happen again (because it really wont and that guy will be getting leftover cupcakes Sunday that Im making for a different residents birthday party)

I shouldnt have done what I did.
I even told that to the landlord today when he was changing the locks and brought it up.


When she came up 12 hours after the stomping and said "Not cool! I wake up for work at 6am!" I looked at the clock (11:30 am)
I laughed in her face. Told her about how I actually have to work nights and wake up with my child at 6am and I did not appreciate her parties and temper tantrums after 2am.
She said it wasnt her.
"I dont have a boyfriend!"
"Then your baby daddy. I dont care what you call him but I can reenact your entire fight."
She looked at me like "umm"
I said, "Look, if you wake me up again. Im calling the cops. Its that simple. We are done."
And shut the door.

All I heard after that was a "UH! WOW!" and furious texting.

Yep, I was in the wrong and was totally immature for a minute but the message has been delivered!


Cause we will get you...not right away but oh fuck... we will get you..

*Im not allowing comments on this post because I dont even want to fucking hear it, Im so sick of everyone's bullshit online and off  that Im bursting and is probably whats prompting my momentary psycho thing.*

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Well, thats what I get for caring.

Its 6am. Im never up this early but Ive been thrown off because of yesterday. I went through hell.

Two weeks ago I got a call from a woman I dont know saying Maor was in jail and asked if I would help. I told her good fucking luck because I do not think that I should be getting a call from a third party asking for my help. My stand was if he wanted help he should call me himself. I did call his parents and thanked her for helping him.

I called in a favor and asked why he was in jail. They said he got into an accident but had to arrest him for a past drunk and disorderly. That is not like him at all... he doesnt drink and while hes loud and says some pretty stupid shit... I dont think he would be arrested for disorderly ever. BUT he has been acting weird for the past year so I accepted it as maybe this kiosk cult hes gotten into has changed him that much.

Now fast forward to yesterday... I still havent heard from him.
I called his parents, because I actually talk to Maors parents WAY more than he does now. Its weird and probably the biggest red flag as to how much hes changed in a year.
They havent talked to him since they got the call from the strange woman saying he was in jail either but a different 3rd party assured them he was out and ok.
So I called the different 3rd party to try and get a message out for Maor to call SOMEONE. They told me they hadent talked to Maor in months and never told Maors parents he was ok.

So because something was fishy I called in another favor and found out that the person charged with drunk and disorderly was not actually Maor. It was someone who was just had his wallet.

Thats when I lost it. I actually thought Maor was dead.
He hadent called for Lea in weeks, his family didnt hear from him, strange calls, ect...
I was pretty sure he was dead in a ditch somewhere and the guilt from not trying to find him sooner just consumed me.

I blew up the strange womans phone. She refused to tell me anything and kept hanging up on me. At one point she said "Do you want me to call the police?"
I said "YES!"

Fast forward a few thousand phone calls later. Maor did finally pick up and all he said was "I dont want to talk to you" and hung up.

Great, hes alive.

Hes just a jerk but an alive jerk.

So I passed out from some sort of adrenaline/crying fit of exhaustion.

Annnnddd woke up at 4am unable to fall asleep thinking about how stupid I am for wasting time on him.

Sunday, May 3, 2015

My first party

Today I threw my first party. Well, it was more like a get together. All my best friends showed up...and one guy that it turns out I dont know how I know.

I have had someone as a facebook friend for 4 years that I cant remember how they got there.
When I moved back to Madison he sent me a message saying we should hang out again sometime. I looked at his profile and he looks a lot like a guy I went to college with so I assumed thats how I knew him and invited him to the party. The name was not a tip off because there were 3 guys with that same first name in most of my classes.

When he walked in and wasnt all "HEY MAN!" to my other college friend who would have had all the same classes with us if he was who I thought he was I realized I have NO IDEA how I knew this guy. I didnt want to say anything so I just introduced him and acted like nothing was weird.

Luckily, he was very nice. He brought a nice whiskey (which I totally forgot about when we all got talking and feel like an ass for not opening), ice cream for the teenagers, and ice. He also fit right in with the group that was there.

When everyone started leaving my 2 girlfriends and I were talking about seeing a movie and he left. After a minute I said, "OK! I have no idea who that guy was!" and explained the whole thing. They think hes cool so they are just going to invite him to a game night.
Whats really funny is everyone said he looked kinda familiar but just assumed he was from a different group of my friends. Maybe he just has one of those faces.

Anyway, made a new friend (or am refinding an old friend...I have no idea) and I got a lot of nice gifts which I was NOT expecting. I should have said no gifts but I didnt even think about it.

I think it was a success. Maybe I'll have more parties.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Life after CW

I could probably write a novel about the past 2 weeks.
Everything has changed. EVERYTHING.

I thought I was going to be cool writing this but Im just going to puke words onto a screen because while I would like to say Im calm and collected Im FREAKING out inside.

I think if I was 18...or even 25 I would be able to handle things better. Being 30 with a 2 year old to take care of this is too much change. Too damn much.

CW is gone. I keep accidentally checking the site because I just want to chit chat or post a picture and it depresses me every time I see that note saying its gone.
I have been thinking about finding a new place to cam again. I could use the extra money and Im actually going a little crazy not being able to flash my boobs (Im weird, I know) but I havent yet. I already know I will NEVER find a CW again and I think the community is what I really want back before the money and the need to flash people.

I moved. I am happier already. The apartment is the perfect size for us, everything is new, the neighbors may or may not exist...I dont know, they are too quiet... and while Im a half hour from a grocery store with reasonable prices we are surrounded by parks so with the weather being so nice we wake up and head straight outside to play.
My mother actually came over for dinner and a movie. Shes NEVER done that before, possibly because I had a cat and shes really allergic.
I had friends come over when I first moved in and they were beyond helpful!! I need to throw a housewarming/Thank you party. Last week I was still putting the house together and this week I have to go back to MN to clean out the last of the crap I couldnt get out 2 weeks ago.

Leas turning 3 next week!
Im sure everyone just rolled their eyes but when I run out of things to stress out about that is what keeps me awake. Shes turning 3. She will be in school in a couple years. The fact that she even dresses herself right now makes me want to burst into tears.
I could still be a little stressed out...

Monday, March 9, 2015


As Im sure everyone knows Camwhores is shutting down on March 17th.
We are all VERY sad about this.
To me its very much salt and lemon juice in already gaping wounds.
I love CW. I love the people. Its my home. Its the only cam site I have ever been consistent on because its the only one I really liked.

I had my last show the Thursday before last. A fan of CW who became a good friend of mine actually sponsored the mini vacation spot for Lea and I to have fun (they have a kids water park that Lea LOVED so much) and for me to put on my last show.
He had sent me a text message that night saying he wouldnt be able to watch the show but couldnt wait to see it later.
The next morning while I was checking out he texted me asking if we had fun. I told him we had a blast (because we did!). He said, "Good, that was the point".
He died sometime that day after sending me that message.

Later my aunt had another health scare.

I did manage to make it down to WI last week and find a new place to live. Its not a house like I wanted but its a brand new complex (I'll be the first one to live there which makes me crazy nervous about putting up pictures and artwork) and its spitting distance from a park. Its also in my budget which has gotten considerably smaller after I was smacked with the realization that Maor has no interest in helping with anything Lea related.
I had wished it wouldnt be like this. We were trying to work things out. Then one night I let him take Lea to a Shabbat dinner. He came back without her favorite blanket. I told him to go back and get it and he said no, she could live without it for a day.
That was when I SNAPPED. Any idiot with a kid knows you do NOT willingly let your kid go without their favorite thing unless you want a world of pain and high pitched screaming brought down on your stupid head.
So I took an hour off work to follow him to his apartment and get it myself and come back.
His selfishness was out of control.
It hasnt gotten better.
He had the balls to show up here a couple weeks ago with new contacts, a new watch, tie, shirt, pants, shoes. I wanted to slap the shit out of him because he hasnt offered a dime towards anything Lea related EVER. Instead I asked him about all the new things then asked if he could cover half of Leas diapers and health insurance every month to help me out. He said ok.

He hasnt called for her since. I call him and put her on speaker phone without saying a thing at least once a week when she asks about him. Apparently thats enough for him. I actually talk to his parents more than him now. They keep asking me if hes on drugs. I really dont think he is. I think hes just self absorbed, lazy, and ignoring me because hes spent all his money on stuff for himself.

At least I found a place. Its by my parents and near friends. If I cant get support from Leas dad then I will be around people who are there for me.
Now I just need to spend the next 2 weeks packing and purging. Maor left most of his things behind which Im going to give him fair warning to pick up or I will sell/toss them.

The rest of the month is going to be hard emotionally and physically but Im really hoping when spring comes we will be settled and happy starting a new life. I hope I will be jumping out of bed instead of crawling out.  I know thats what my friend would have wanted. I know thats what a lot of people want for me and I appreciate it so much.