Monday, December 8, 2014

We'll never be royals

Where do I begin? The last month has been a bitch.

Maor left. Did I mention that? I dont actually remember. Days run together.

I cant get Lea and I adjusted because Im being chased around by my Grandma and Aunt on a regular basis. You would think it would be helpful having other people around the house when your working and trying to raise a child but it is exactly the opposite. Everything I do is under a microscope.
I made boxed mac & cheese for me and Lea last night, we didnt eat it all so I threw what we didnt eat out. This morning I got a lecture on throwing food away. It was on sale... it was my $0.50 to waste...fuck off.
If I use a sandwich bag to store raw chicken and toss it out the bag will be sitting on the counter the next day, along with everything else I threw in the trash. I will get a lecture on how wasteful I am.
While I admit I have been lethargic and reclusive in the last month (mostly due to whats been going on and the house Ive been living in) their incessant need to govern my life is also getting to Lea.

We need a new routine. My aunt insists on dragging her out to different places constantly. She says my pulling her from daycare upsets her so she drags her around from place to place while Im working and says "see she needs friends, shes getting worse!" when Lea is tired and cranky.
I snapped about a week ago and told her that Lea's being cranky was that her routine is FUCKED! No dad, her not sticking to the schedule I had, being dragged to the Y all the time. We may not talk about what is going on in front of her but she knows. Shit is not right and its messing with her little world.

Thanksgiving my aunt didnt go to my mothers house with me because she didnt want my mom telling HER how to deal with my divorce.

My aunt makes stupid jokes about how my next divorce will be better.

Gramzy would be great if she didnt feel the need to tell you how to do everything.

I decided to kill Sumomo this morning. Shes been marking in corners of the house for months and throwing up all over. Yesterday I found she peed on Leas stuffed animal and chair so I washed both and she had peed on them again within hours.

Judge me if you want...Im fucking use to it now with my family.
Its a cat vs child situation at this point. I will always pick my daughter.

Gramzy kept an eye on Lea while I took Sumomo to the vet.
I think Sumomo knew she was going to die or she was much sicker than I thought. Last time I took her to a vet they wouldnt see her because she was aggressive towards them. I warned this vet that would happen and instead of a fight to the death she laid down and died. She made more of a fuss when I sneezed then when they stuck the needle in her.

I hate myself. I killed my cat, I cant keep a husband, I cant throw out coffee grounds without someone having something to say about it .

If Im not at rock bottom than I dont ever EVER want to get closer. Its too hard to get out of bed as it is.