Where do I begin? The last month has been a bitch.
Maor left. Did I mention that? I dont actually remember. Days run together.
I cant get Lea and I adjusted because Im being chased around by my Grandma and Aunt on a regular basis. You would think it would be helpful having other people around the house when your working and trying to raise a child but it is exactly the opposite. Everything I do is under a microscope.
I made boxed mac & cheese for me and Lea last night, we didnt eat it all so I threw what we didnt eat out. This morning I got a lecture on throwing food away. It was on sale... it was my $0.50 to waste...fuck off.
If I use a sandwich bag to store raw chicken and toss it out the bag will be sitting on the counter the next day, along with everything else I threw in the trash. I will get a lecture on how wasteful I am.
While I admit I have been lethargic and reclusive in the last month (mostly due to whats been going on and the house Ive been living in) their incessant need to govern my life is also getting to Lea.
We need a new routine. My aunt insists on dragging her out to different places constantly. She says my pulling her from daycare upsets her so she drags her around from place to place while Im working and says "see she needs friends, shes getting worse!" when Lea is tired and cranky.
I snapped about a week ago and told her that Lea's being cranky was that her routine is FUCKED! No dad, her not sticking to the schedule I had, being dragged to the Y all the time. We may not talk about what is going on in front of her but she knows. Shit is not right and its messing with her little world.
Thanksgiving my aunt didnt go to my mothers house with me because she didnt want my mom telling HER how to deal with my divorce.
My aunt makes stupid jokes about how my next divorce will be better.
Gramzy would be great if she didnt feel the need to tell you how to do everything.
I decided to kill Sumomo this morning. Shes been marking in corners of the house for months and throwing up all over. Yesterday I found she peed on Leas stuffed animal and chair so I washed both and she had peed on them again within hours.
Judge me if you want...Im fucking use to it now with my family.
Its a cat vs child situation at this point. I will always pick my daughter.
Gramzy kept an eye on Lea while I took Sumomo to the vet.
I think Sumomo knew she was going to die or she was much sicker than I thought. Last time I took her to a vet they wouldnt see her because she was aggressive towards them. I warned this vet that would happen and instead of a fight to the death she laid down and died. She made more of a fuss when I sneezed then when they stuck the needle in her.
I hate myself. I killed my cat, I cant keep a husband, I cant throw out coffee grounds without someone having something to say about it .
If Im not at rock bottom than I dont ever EVER want to get closer. Its too hard to get out of bed as it is.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Fuck you
The final nail is in the coffin. I wont go throwing my dirty laundry all over the internet but I will say Im a strong bullheaded woman who heard something no one should hear in a relationship.
"Your not worth it."
For 2 days I held it together. I started filing for divorce. I held my head up and pushed on. On the 3rd day I crumbled and cried all day long. I should have called in sick to work. Especially after I had to explain to half my family why Maor wasnt home. I didnt. Im not even going to pretend that I really worked. I'll make up the hours Sunday. I feel bad for the people I work with, they probably think Im a scatter brained idiot. I wasnt focused. I havent been focused. I was so worried about saving a marriage that cant be saved because I REALLY dont like being a 30 year old single mother.
Now I see where I need to be. I need to pull on my big girl pants, focus on Lea and work and maybe get the hell out of dodge. I hate MN. 4 years I havent made any friends. People here are only nice to your face.
I am worth it. Lea is worth it.
Fuck you.
"Your not worth it."
For 2 days I held it together. I started filing for divorce. I held my head up and pushed on. On the 3rd day I crumbled and cried all day long. I should have called in sick to work. Especially after I had to explain to half my family why Maor wasnt home. I didnt. Im not even going to pretend that I really worked. I'll make up the hours Sunday. I feel bad for the people I work with, they probably think Im a scatter brained idiot. I wasnt focused. I havent been focused. I was so worried about saving a marriage that cant be saved because I REALLY dont like being a 30 year old single mother.
Now I see where I need to be. I need to pull on my big girl pants, focus on Lea and work and maybe get the hell out of dodge. I hate MN. 4 years I havent made any friends. People here are only nice to your face.
I am worth it. Lea is worth it.
Fuck you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Ramblings..
No one should blog during lady rain season but fuck it, Ive exhausted imgur, Im out of shows to watch on Hulu, and Im running dangerously low on cupcakes!
This is one of the love/hates about my new job. I love that Im feeling like a shitty crampy mess and can avoid going anywhere. But I have no reason to get out of this funk. Sure, I have to pick Lea up from daycare in a couple hours but that only requires throwing on a sweatshirt, and seeing as I show up right before nap time everything is quiet and no one gets too chatty. Perfect.
When I have a crappy shift... like last night where I kept making stupid mistake after mistake and was so off I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die (Im being dramatic... but Im in pain and on my last cupcake at this point so the whole world is fucking ending) I couldnt do the whole "I wanna go home!" Cause I am home. Here I am. Unable to escape my stupid.
In all seriousness though I do love the job. I think its interesting, I love the people I work with, Im really in love with my hours. When they first asked me if I could do a night shift I wasnt sure because I was so stuck on the 9-5 but really its perfect. I spend my days (that Im not hiding under the covers in pain) getting shit done and playing with Lea. I got all the Halloween costumes done (5 dresses), the house is always clean, and food is always ready to be on the table. I rock.
I cut Lea down to 3 half days at daycare now. Im weighing the pros and cons of pulling her out of daycare all together. My aunt and Grandma will be here next weekend until the end of Dec so I have zero worries about needing a baby sitter but I want her to have social interaction outside of my crazy family.
Actually now that Im sitting back and really thinking about it all I really want her in daycare for is social interaction. Im very structured at home, I dont need to worry about her being behind for preschool because Im a nut for learning activities and so are my aunt and Grandma. I have also noticed that when I meet moms at the playground on the weekdays they are MUCH more open to talking then Moms I meet on weekends. Im sure I could find a winter tumbling class or play group that would be so much cheaper.
Taking her out all together would be like gaining another paycheck. Cutting her down to 3 times a week saves us $400 a month. Taking her out entirely would be another $650 savings per month. Thats huge!
If I change my mind I could just put her back in. She hates waking up early anyway.
It will also save me from the awkward Christmas party moment. Awesome!
This is one of the love/hates about my new job. I love that Im feeling like a shitty crampy mess and can avoid going anywhere. But I have no reason to get out of this funk. Sure, I have to pick Lea up from daycare in a couple hours but that only requires throwing on a sweatshirt, and seeing as I show up right before nap time everything is quiet and no one gets too chatty. Perfect.
When I have a crappy shift... like last night where I kept making stupid mistake after mistake and was so off I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die (Im being dramatic... but Im in pain and on my last cupcake at this point so the whole world is fucking ending) I couldnt do the whole "I wanna go home!" Cause I am home. Here I am. Unable to escape my stupid.
In all seriousness though I do love the job. I think its interesting, I love the people I work with, Im really in love with my hours. When they first asked me if I could do a night shift I wasnt sure because I was so stuck on the 9-5 but really its perfect. I spend my days (that Im not hiding under the covers in pain) getting shit done and playing with Lea. I got all the Halloween costumes done (5 dresses), the house is always clean, and food is always ready to be on the table. I rock.
I cut Lea down to 3 half days at daycare now. Im weighing the pros and cons of pulling her out of daycare all together. My aunt and Grandma will be here next weekend until the end of Dec so I have zero worries about needing a baby sitter but I want her to have social interaction outside of my crazy family.
Actually now that Im sitting back and really thinking about it all I really want her in daycare for is social interaction. Im very structured at home, I dont need to worry about her being behind for preschool because Im a nut for learning activities and so are my aunt and Grandma. I have also noticed that when I meet moms at the playground on the weekdays they are MUCH more open to talking then Moms I meet on weekends. Im sure I could find a winter tumbling class or play group that would be so much cheaper.
Taking her out all together would be like gaining another paycheck. Cutting her down to 3 times a week saves us $400 a month. Taking her out entirely would be another $650 savings per month. Thats huge!
If I change my mind I could just put her back in. She hates waking up early anyway.
It will also save me from the awkward Christmas party moment. Awesome!
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Finding myself
I have been gone a long time without saying anything. I have stretched myself out.
Im getting use to a new job where my schedule bounces around a bit. I also decided to make 2 more Halloween costumes for my little sister.
So for the past month if I havent been working or with my daughter, I have been sewing.
I also havent wanted to blog because I dont like to think. I dont want to put out into the world my hopes, my fears, my wishes. I have someone else to think about. I need to find stability for her.
I need to find my own happiness. I think I have it now. If I dont then its so close.
I wont lie. Im sad. Sadder than I have ever been.
Im trying not to be.
Things are changing. Good and bad changes. Im just focusing all my energy on what matters most.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
New job!
If you read my blog at all you know Ive been bitching, and bitching, and BITCHING about my job lately.
Its not a hard job. I loved my job. I couldnt believe people paid me to do what I thought was stupidly easy. Answer the phone, process the contracts, fix shit, sing my ABC's on occasion, harass people to pay their damn bill. Not hard. Sure you have to do it all at once but still...not hard.
It was perfect until they hired the idiot. Then I had the work of 3 people because one person refused to do more than the 4 things in her job description from 14 years ago and this new person is just...stupid. I said she was stupid to management on many occasions... once in a screaming profanity filled rant that not only lasted an hour but left them in complete shock because I NEVER lose my cool.
The job still wasnt hard. It just wasnt fair that I got to pick up the slack for 2 other people. Not only that but its really frustrating having to retrain someone EVERY DAY because goldfish have a better memory.
So when someone asked me if I was looking for a job I said "YES!"
I dont think I actually expected to get the job but I did.
I told my boss and he asked me to finish out the month but not tell anyone. I think he was in denial.
Yesterday I walked in to his office and said, "You know I only have 2 weeks left. When are you going to tell everyone? I have to at least make an attempt to train SOMEONE on how to handle certain accounts and do my reports."
He said not to worry about it, he would tell everyone Monday, and he had a plan.
I really want to know what his plan is because the senior isnt going to take on my job and the idiot will fuck up all my big accounts. Not to mention that the techs refuse to talk to anyone but me (seriously half my day has turned in to jumping from tech on hold to tech on hold because they say "Your the only one who knows what the fuck is going on")
I feel bad leaving them (the techs) like this but they (management) shot themselves in the foot long ago. What else do you expect when you have people who think covering their own ass from an almost unlikely lawsuit is more important than having quality employees?
Anyway, Im really excited about this new job. Im most excited about the fact that I will get to spend a lot more time with Lea now because my schedule is pretty damn sweet.
And its not corporate! Im going to dye my hair a funny color just like I always wanted to do and never could!!
Seriously, you dont know the feeling of freedom just being able to do that. My little sister (who is a senior in highschool next year) keeps saying she wants to dye her hair purple but cant get the courage. I keep telling her to do it because if she doesnt now she wont ever be able to again (Im pretty sure my eye twitches when I tell her).
I start full time in two weeks. I've been training after work when I can for a few weeks already which is nice because its extra income now which is going to help a lot with some unexpected bills we had. Its also going to help because I used all my vacation at my now old job at the beginning of the year and they are going to end up taking a portion of that back out of my last paycheck so this will make up for that loss.
I feel like I got very very lucky. (Thanks! :) )
Its not a hard job. I loved my job. I couldnt believe people paid me to do what I thought was stupidly easy. Answer the phone, process the contracts, fix shit, sing my ABC's on occasion, harass people to pay their damn bill. Not hard. Sure you have to do it all at once but still...not hard.
It was perfect until they hired the idiot. Then I had the work of 3 people because one person refused to do more than the 4 things in her job description from 14 years ago and this new person is just...stupid. I said she was stupid to management on many occasions... once in a screaming profanity filled rant that not only lasted an hour but left them in complete shock because I NEVER lose my cool.
The job still wasnt hard. It just wasnt fair that I got to pick up the slack for 2 other people. Not only that but its really frustrating having to retrain someone EVERY DAY because goldfish have a better memory.
So when someone asked me if I was looking for a job I said "YES!"
I dont think I actually expected to get the job but I did.
I told my boss and he asked me to finish out the month but not tell anyone. I think he was in denial.
Yesterday I walked in to his office and said, "You know I only have 2 weeks left. When are you going to tell everyone? I have to at least make an attempt to train SOMEONE on how to handle certain accounts and do my reports."
He said not to worry about it, he would tell everyone Monday, and he had a plan.
I really want to know what his plan is because the senior isnt going to take on my job and the idiot will fuck up all my big accounts. Not to mention that the techs refuse to talk to anyone but me (seriously half my day has turned in to jumping from tech on hold to tech on hold because they say "Your the only one who knows what the fuck is going on")
I feel bad leaving them (the techs) like this but they (management) shot themselves in the foot long ago. What else do you expect when you have people who think covering their own ass from an almost unlikely lawsuit is more important than having quality employees?
Anyway, Im really excited about this new job. Im most excited about the fact that I will get to spend a lot more time with Lea now because my schedule is pretty damn sweet.
And its not corporate! Im going to dye my hair a funny color just like I always wanted to do and never could!!
Seriously, you dont know the feeling of freedom just being able to do that. My little sister (who is a senior in highschool next year) keeps saying she wants to dye her hair purple but cant get the courage. I keep telling her to do it because if she doesnt now she wont ever be able to again (Im pretty sure my eye twitches when I tell her).
I start full time in two weeks. I've been training after work when I can for a few weeks already which is nice because its extra income now which is going to help a lot with some unexpected bills we had. Its also going to help because I used all my vacation at my now old job at the beginning of the year and they are going to end up taking a portion of that back out of my last paycheck so this will make up for that loss.
I feel like I got very very lucky. (Thanks! :) )
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Rescheduled show
Hey guys. I need to reschedule the show for tonight. Im not sure to when yet.
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time to get Lea off her pacifier. We cut it down to just for bedtime use but I decided it was time for it to go because if it falls out of her mouth at night she just screams for me until I get up, find it behind her head or under a stuffed animal and stick it back in her mouth.
We decided we were going to try the "its broken" method. So last weekend I poked a hole in it so it didnt work right. She was unfazed. She noticed it wasnt the same but kept biting it. So last night after a glass of wine while Lea wasnt looking I decided enough was enough and there was no good time for this kind of thing anyway....and cut the bulb off so it was good and broken.
Oh the crying. The dramatic pouts of "nunu! nunu! its broken!"
I found an extra in the diaper bag but I didnt cave.
She didnt go to sleep until 10pm (normally shes asleep by 8:30) and she was up crying at 6am.
Maor thinks she will take a good nap and be in bed early because she seems to be just fine running around playing. I dont think so.
Im expecting a fight during nap time and bed time. Which means Im going to miss my own show.
Also, the lady rain started again. I thought I had a few days.
So as soon as my weather clears up and Lea is sleeping again I'll reschedule. Sorry guys!
We decided a few weeks ago that it was time to get Lea off her pacifier. We cut it down to just for bedtime use but I decided it was time for it to go because if it falls out of her mouth at night she just screams for me until I get up, find it behind her head or under a stuffed animal and stick it back in her mouth.
We decided we were going to try the "its broken" method. So last weekend I poked a hole in it so it didnt work right. She was unfazed. She noticed it wasnt the same but kept biting it. So last night after a glass of wine while Lea wasnt looking I decided enough was enough and there was no good time for this kind of thing anyway....and cut the bulb off so it was good and broken.
Oh the crying. The dramatic pouts of "nunu! nunu! its broken!"
I found an extra in the diaper bag but I didnt cave.
She didnt go to sleep until 10pm (normally shes asleep by 8:30) and she was up crying at 6am.
Maor thinks she will take a good nap and be in bed early because she seems to be just fine running around playing. I dont think so.
Im expecting a fight during nap time and bed time. Which means Im going to miss my own show.
Also, the lady rain started again. I thought I had a few days.
So as soon as my weather clears up and Lea is sleeping again I'll reschedule. Sorry guys!
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Please dont sue me
So like I said in my last post Im trying to make a Frozen costumes for me and Lea.
I also did a good/bad thing and promised a cousin who has sent me a ton of hand me downs that I would make her 4 year old an Elsa costume after I made a facebook post about my Halloween plans. I seriously owe her, when she asked there was no way I could say no.
The fabric is all 50% off till the end of next weekend but I just cant afford it right now.
So Im doing a show on Camwhores tomorrow night to help fund the material I need to make my costume and get extra fabric for my cousins kid.
Of course I'll be using my costume in a super special show later on Camwhores.
I thought about making videos to sell but that might get me in hot water.... I dont fear much but Disney lawyers seem scary.
After much thought I think the safest way to go about this is to say... those who tip during my show tomorrow or donate through the rest of the week will get special cosplay pictures when I finish my costume. I can also offer a free week to Camwhores if you arent or havent already been a member.
I also did a good/bad thing and promised a cousin who has sent me a ton of hand me downs that I would make her 4 year old an Elsa costume after I made a facebook post about my Halloween plans. I seriously owe her, when she asked there was no way I could say no.
The fabric is all 50% off till the end of next weekend but I just cant afford it right now.
So Im doing a show on Camwhores tomorrow night to help fund the material I need to make my costume and get extra fabric for my cousins kid.
Of course I'll be using my costume in a super special show later on Camwhores.
I thought about making videos to sell but that might get me in hot water.... I dont fear much but Disney lawyers seem scary.
After much thought I think the safest way to go about this is to say... those who tip during my show tomorrow or donate through the rest of the week will get special cosplay pictures when I finish my costume. I can also offer a free week to Camwhores if you arent or havent already been a member.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)