Life after CW

I could probably write a novel about the past 2 weeks.
Everything has changed. EVERYTHING.

I thought I was going to be cool writing this but Im just going to puke words onto a screen because while I would like to say Im calm and collected Im FREAKING out inside.

I think if I was 18...or even 25 I would be able to handle things better. Being 30 with a 2 year old to take care of this is too much change. Too damn much.

CW is gone. I keep accidentally checking the site because I just want to chit chat or post a picture and it depresses me every time I see that note saying its gone.
I have been thinking about finding a new place to cam again. I could use the extra money and Im actually going a little crazy not being able to flash my boobs (Im weird, I know) but I havent yet. I already know I will NEVER find a CW again and I think the community is what I really want back before the money and the need to flash people.

I moved. I am happier already. The apartment is the perfect size for us, everything is new, the neighbors may or may not exist...I dont know, they are too quiet... and while Im a half hour from a grocery store with reasonable prices we are surrounded by parks so with the weather being so nice we wake up and head straight outside to play.
My mother actually came over for dinner and a movie. Shes NEVER done that before, possibly because I had a cat and shes really allergic.
I had friends come over when I first moved in and they were beyond helpful!! I need to throw a housewarming/Thank you party. Last week I was still putting the house together and this week I have to go back to MN to clean out the last of the crap I couldnt get out 2 weeks ago.

Leas turning 3 next week!
Im sure everyone just rolled their eyes but when I run out of things to stress out about that is what keeps me awake. Shes turning 3. She will be in school in a couple years. The fact that she even dresses herself right now makes me want to burst into tears.
I could still be a little stressed out...

RIP

As Im sure everyone knows Camwhores is shutting down on March 17th.
We are all VERY sad about this.
To me its very much salt and lemon juice in already gaping wounds.
I love CW. I love the people. Its my home. Its the only cam site I have ever been consistent on because its the only one I really liked.

I had my last show the Thursday before last. A fan of CW who became a good friend of mine actually sponsored the mini vacation spot for Lea and I to have fun (they have a kids water park that Lea LOVED so much) and for me to put on my last show.
He had sent me a text message that night saying he wouldnt be able to watch the show but couldnt wait to see it later.
The next morning while I was checking out he texted me asking if we had fun. I told him we had a blast (because we did!). He said, "Good, that was the point".
He died sometime that day after sending me that message.

Later my aunt had another health scare.

I did manage to make it down to WI last week and find a new place to live. Its not a house like I wanted but its a brand new complex (I'll be the first one to live there which makes me crazy nervous about putting up pictures and artwork) and its spitting distance from a park. Its also in my budget which has gotten considerably smaller after I was smacked with the realization that Maor has no interest in helping with anything Lea related.
I had wished it wouldnt be like this. We were trying to work things out. Then one night I let him take Lea to a Shabbat dinner. He came back without her favorite blanket. I told him to go back and get it and he said no, she could live without it for a day.
That was when I SNAPPED. Any idiot with a kid knows you do NOT willingly let your kid go without their favorite thing unless you want a world of pain and high pitched screaming brought down on your stupid head.
So I took an hour off work to follow him to his apartment and get it myself and come back.
His selfishness was out of control.
It hasnt gotten better.
He had the balls to show up here a couple weeks ago with new contacts, a new watch, tie, shirt, pants, shoes. I wanted to slap the shit out of him because he hasnt offered a dime towards anything Lea related EVER. Instead I asked him about all the new things then asked if he could cover half of Leas diapers and health insurance every month to help me out. He said ok.

He hasnt called for her since. I call him and put her on speaker phone without saying a thing at least once a week when she asks about him. Apparently thats enough for him. I actually talk to his parents more than him now. They keep asking me if hes on drugs. I really dont think he is. I think hes just self absorbed, lazy, and ignoring me because hes spent all his money on stuff for himself.

At least I found a place. Its by my parents and near friends. If I cant get support from Leas dad then I will be around people who are there for me.
Now I just need to spend the next 2 weeks packing and purging. Maor left most of his things behind which Im going to give him fair warning to pick up or I will sell/toss them.

The rest of the month is going to be hard emotionally and physically but Im really hoping when spring comes we will be settled and happy starting a new life. I hope I will be jumping out of bed instead of crawling out.  I know thats what my friend would have wanted. I know thats what a lot of people want for me and I appreciate it so much.

We'll never be royals

Where do I begin? The last month has been a bitch.

Maor left. Did I mention that? I dont actually remember. Days run together.

I cant get Lea and I adjusted because Im being chased around by my Grandma and Aunt on a regular basis. You would think it would be helpful having other people around the house when your working and trying to raise a child but it is exactly the opposite. Everything I do is under a microscope.
I made boxed mac & cheese for me and Lea last night, we didnt eat it all so I threw what we didnt eat out. This morning I got a lecture on throwing food away. It was on sale... it was my $0.50 to waste...fuck off.
If I use a sandwich bag to store raw chicken and toss it out the bag will be sitting on the counter the next day, along with everything else I threw in the trash. I will get a lecture on how wasteful I am.
While I admit I have been lethargic and reclusive in the last month (mostly due to whats been going on and the house Ive been living in) their incessant need to govern my life is also getting to Lea.

We need a new routine. My aunt insists on dragging her out to different places constantly. She says my pulling her from daycare upsets her so she drags her around from place to place while Im working and says "see she needs friends, shes getting worse!" when Lea is tired and cranky.
I snapped about a week ago and told her that Lea's being cranky was that her routine is FUCKED! No dad, her not sticking to the schedule I had, being dragged to the Y all the time. We may not talk about what is going on in front of her but she knows. Shit is not right and its messing with her little world.

Thanksgiving my aunt didnt go to my mothers house with me because she didnt want my mom telling HER how to deal with my divorce.

My aunt makes stupid jokes about how my next divorce will be better.

Gramzy would be great if she didnt feel the need to tell you how to do everything.

I decided to kill Sumomo this morning. Shes been marking in corners of the house for months and throwing up all over. Yesterday I found she peed on Leas stuffed animal and chair so I washed both and she had peed on them again within hours.

Judge me if you want...Im fucking use to it now with my family.
Its a cat vs child situation at this point. I will always pick my daughter.

Gramzy kept an eye on Lea while I took Sumomo to the vet.
I think Sumomo knew she was going to die or she was much sicker than I thought. Last time I took her to a vet they wouldnt see her because she was aggressive towards them. I warned this vet that would happen and instead of a fight to the death she laid down and died. She made more of a fuss when I sneezed then when they stuck the needle in her.

I hate myself. I killed my cat, I cant keep a husband, I cant throw out coffee grounds without someone having something to say about it .

If Im not at rock bottom than I dont ever EVER want to get closer. Its too hard to get out of bed as it is.

Fuck you

The final nail is in the coffin. I wont go throwing my dirty laundry all over the internet but I will say Im a strong bullheaded woman who heard something no one should hear in a relationship.

"Your not worth it."

For 2 days I held it together. I started filing for divorce. I held my head up and pushed on. On the 3rd day I crumbled and cried all day long. I should have called in sick to work. Especially after I had to explain to half my family why Maor wasnt home. I didnt. Im not even going to pretend that I really worked. I'll make up the hours Sunday. I feel bad for the people I work with, they probably think Im a scatter brained idiot.  I wasnt focused. I havent been focused. I was so worried about saving a marriage that cant be saved because I REALLY dont like being a 30 year old single mother.

Now I see where I need to be. I need to pull on my big girl pants, focus on Lea and work and maybe get the hell out of dodge. I hate MN. 4 years I havent made any friends. People here are only nice to your face.

I am worth it. Lea is worth it.

Fuck you.

Ramblings..

No one should blog during lady rain season but fuck it, Ive exhausted imgur, Im out of shows to watch on Hulu, and Im running dangerously low on cupcakes!

This is one of the love/hates about my new job. I love that Im feeling like a shitty crampy mess and can avoid going anywhere. But I have no reason to get out of this funk. Sure, I have to pick Lea up from daycare in a couple hours but that only requires throwing on a sweatshirt, and seeing as I show up right before nap time everything is quiet and no one gets too chatty. Perfect.
When I have a crappy shift... like last night where I kept making stupid mistake after mistake and was so off I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die (Im being dramatic... but Im in pain and on my last cupcake at this point so the whole world is fucking ending) I couldnt do the whole "I wanna go home!" Cause I am home. Here I am. Unable to escape my stupid.

In all seriousness though I do love the job. I think its interesting, I love the people I work with, Im really in love with my hours. When they first asked me if I could do a night shift I wasnt sure because I was so stuck on the 9-5 but really its perfect. I spend my days (that Im not hiding under the covers in pain) getting shit done and playing with Lea. I got all the Halloween costumes done (5 dresses), the house is always clean, and food is always ready to be on the table. I rock.

I cut Lea down to 3 half days at daycare now. Im weighing the pros and cons of pulling her out of daycare all together. My aunt and Grandma will be here next weekend until the end of Dec so I have zero worries about needing a baby sitter but I want her to have social interaction outside of my crazy family.
Actually now that Im sitting back and really thinking about it all I really want her in daycare for is social interaction. Im very structured at home, I dont need to worry about her being behind for preschool because Im a nut for learning activities and so are my aunt and Grandma. I have also noticed that when I meet moms at the playground on the weekdays they are MUCH more open to talking then Moms I meet on weekends. Im sure I could find a winter tumbling class or play group that would be so much cheaper.
Taking her out all together would be like gaining another paycheck. Cutting her down to 3 times a week saves us $400 a month. Taking her out entirely would be another $650 savings per month. Thats huge!
If I change my mind I could just put her back in. She hates waking up early anyway.
It will also save me from the awkward Christmas party moment. Awesome!

Finding myself

I have been gone a long time without saying anything. I have stretched myself out. 

Im getting use to a new job where my schedule bounces around a bit. I also decided to make 2 more Halloween costumes for my little sister. 

So for the past month if I havent been working or with my daughter, I have been sewing.

I also havent wanted to blog because I dont like to think. I dont want to put out into the world my hopes, my fears, my wishes. I have someone else to think about. I need to find stability for her. 

I need to find my own happiness. I think I have it now. If I dont then its so close.

I wont lie. Im sad. Sadder than I have ever been. 

Im trying not to be. 

Things are changing. Good and bad changes. Im just focusing all my energy on what matters most. 

New job!

If you read my blog at all you know Ive been bitching, and bitching, and BITCHING about my job lately.
Its not a hard job. I loved my job. I couldnt believe people paid me to do what I thought was stupidly easy. Answer the phone, process the contracts, fix shit, sing my ABC's on occasion, harass people to pay their damn bill. Not hard. Sure you have to do it all at once but still...not hard.
It was perfect until they hired the idiot. Then I had the work of 3 people because one person refused to do more than the 4 things in her job description from 14 years ago and this new person is just...stupid. I said she was stupid to management on many occasions... once in a screaming profanity filled rant that not only lasted an hour but left them in complete shock because I NEVER lose my cool.
The job still wasnt hard. It just wasnt fair that I got to pick up the slack for 2 other people. Not only that but its really frustrating having to retrain someone EVERY DAY because goldfish have a better memory. 

So when someone asked me if I was looking for a job I said "YES!"

I dont think I actually expected to get the job but I did. 

I told my boss and he asked me to finish out the month but not tell anyone. I think he was in denial.
Yesterday I walked in to his office and said, "You know I only have 2 weeks left. When are you going to tell everyone? I have to at least make an attempt to train SOMEONE on how to handle certain accounts and do my reports."
He said not to worry about it, he would tell everyone Monday, and he had a plan.

I really want to know what his plan is because the senior isnt going to take on my job and the idiot will fuck up all my big accounts. Not to mention that the techs refuse to talk to anyone but me (seriously half my day has turned in to jumping from tech on hold to tech on hold because they say "Your the only one who knows what the fuck is going on")
I feel bad leaving them (the techs) like this but they (management) shot themselves in the foot long ago. What else do you expect when you have people who think covering their own ass from an almost unlikely lawsuit is more important than having quality employees?

Anyway, Im really excited about this new job. Im most excited about the fact that I will get to spend a lot more time with Lea now because my schedule is pretty damn sweet. 
And its not corporate! Im going to dye my hair a funny color just like I always wanted to do and never could!! 
Seriously, you dont know the feeling of freedom just being able to do that. My little sister (who is a senior in highschool next year) keeps saying she wants to dye her hair purple but cant get the courage. I keep telling her to do it because if she doesnt now she wont ever be able to again (Im pretty sure my eye twitches when I tell her).

I start full time in two weeks. I've been training after work when I can for a few weeks already which is nice because its extra income now which is going to help a lot with some unexpected bills we had. Its also going to help because I used all my vacation at my now old job at the beginning of the year and they are going to end up taking a portion of that back out of my last paycheck so this will make up for that loss. 

I feel like I got very very lucky. (Thanks! :) )