There was a middle but there is no end

Where did I leave off?
Honestly, I dont remember and I dont care to look back so lets just a super general catch-up to where I am now.

Im just going to lump most events together that lead up to now as depression. Deep dark depression. Honestly, I didnt talk to anyone about it unless they noticed because I got blown off a lot. Now that Im out of my depression people who ask how I got to where I am now say, in my response to my simple answer of "depression", "I didnt think people like you got depressed." To which I would say, "What do you mean, people like me?" And they would respond "Attractive people." or "Funny people."
Thank you, I also think Im attractive and yes, I like to find the funny in everything. If I dont I will go right back into the hole I just got done crawling out of...and I dont want to be in the hole again.

So, that's that. No need for gory details, so dont ask. On to where I am now:

Housing:
After my first year in my last apartment I never signed an on going lease. The landlord just said "Lets just do month to month." I figured he was going to try and sell the building. 2 years later I got a notice saying "Termination of lease." Not an eviction notice. Totally legal. I however was not expecting it after being there for 3 years so I hadent saved for a down payment on a new place plus the first months rent, moving costs, or a storage unit. I was convinced for 28 days that I was shit-out-of-fucking-luck and just packed up my most important things, sold off what I could, and prepared to be homeless.
A friend of mine reached out at the last minute and said they had an extra room I could use. HOLY FUCKING SHIT I WAS SAVED! So I have moved in with my friend, I live in the spare bedroom on an air mattress and have my stuff still in storage bins or suit cases. Its not fancy but its a roof. We work opposite shifts so we only see each other for a few hours on Friday.
Honestly, its like living with a ghost. I walk in to an empty apartment do my thing, go to bed, and when I wake up doors are shut and things have been moved around.
I will owe this friend forever. He says that cleaning the bathroom and doing dishes is enough but Im pretty sure if he ever asked for a kidney in 10 years "He made sure you werent homeless" will be the first thing to pop into my head. Hes seriously set up for organs from me.

What I think is odd: I lost just about everything. Im sure everyone thinks of the perfect scenario where if a fire starts what they would save. Thats what I did. I acted like that was happening. I only took what was most important to me. I was bawling my eyes out for 2 days straight after I moved in with this friend. He seriously let me just curl up on the couch and cry while watching LivePD (thats actually pretty entertaining) and kept dropping pizza and Mexican food in front of me until I snapped out of it. I think he should be a doctor. When I stopped crying I just stopped and went "Well, shit... never hurts to start over does it?"

Lea:
I will not lie. My depression started effecting Lea. She started to tell people I slept a lot. I was forgetting things. It was not good. My parents noticed and took legal guardianship of Lea. I was there at the hearing of course and explained the situation. The judge said that she could see that I was a smart responsible person for being able to understand what I was accidentally doing to my daughter and making sure effects on her were minimal. Yay, Im aware of my effect on the one I love the most. Didnt make me feel better. I actually just got a lot worse for a while.
Up side, shes on my parents insurance which is WAY better than mine so, yay.
I also see her every weekend or day off in general that I have. She always sees me at my best.
As far as I know unless its someone close to me that I have just told no one has actually picked up on the fact that I dont have Lea full time.
Im working on changing that obviously. Now that Im much better I just need the place and the means and I want her back with me. Thats the goal.

Work:
Oh sweet jesus on a pogo stick. I have had so many jobs in the past couple years its sickening. I have either walked out of them or just gotten myself fired for not showing up. Mentally, I just couldnt take them for one reason or another. Constant negativity everywhere, stupidity (and I can take stupidity but this wasnt funny stupidity... this was... go jump off a bridge stupidity.) I just couldnt hack em at the time.
Lucky for me my friend who was kind enough to take me in also happened to know a place that was hiring (its actually always hiring).
Its a non profit company that does assembly, packing, and shipping type work. They hire disabled people (they call participants) and people who have a hard time getting a job for whatever reason (they call them support, I call them line workers). I had never worked in that type of setting and beggars cant be choosers so I took a job as the Quality person.
No one works under me and right in the building no one is really over me. My job description is to go around making sure that product is being assembled/packaged/shipped to customer specifications, do audits, and generally make sure everyone is following the rules.
What I actually do is all that plus I sit down and help on jobs....because I get bored very easily so if I run out of things to check on and paperwork to do Im just going to keep myself busy assembling or packing crap.

Funny thing is... I actually LOVE this job. I can keep myself busy all the time, even my boss who shows up once a week knows that I know what the fuck Im doing so besides saying "Did you look over the job card for *job starting next week*? Yeah. Good." Im just left alone to do my thing.
The participants love me and I think most of them are great (there are a couple that I just do a quick "Hey! *check 5 random pieces* Great job!" and run) but they are problem people such that if you spend too much time around them will either hit you and you dont know why or NEVER LET YOU LEAVE THEIR SIDE!
The participants are my happy place. It doesnt matter how crappy the day is or if 90% of the building is in a horrible mood, 10% are still sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. Wendy who constantly asks crazy things like "Can we have a squirrel here?" "Can I pull the fire alarm?" "What would happen if I didnt eat lunch? or just yells "LUNCH TIME!" for no reason constantly cracks me up. AJ likes to talk about watching womens wresting. One guy always wears old school Power Rangers EVERYTHING, never talks, but will randomly just walk up and hug me (Im not a touchy person but he has the mentality of a 6yr old so Im flattered that he considers me safe and I just deal with it like I would deal with a child) . I dont even know his name but I sent an email to Jason David Frank about the guy hoping he reads it and maybe sends a "Good job buddy!" letter to this guy because he doesnt work enough to get any of the little certificates the company has made up for participants. Im also, "Happy friends." with Dale, (he reminds me all the time) and witness to the ridiculously adorable relationship between Gary and Sandy (watch the other sister... that little romance is what I see every day. If you dont go "awww" you are a heartless twat).
With the support staff, or as I like to call them line workers, its a love hate relationship. Because they hire people who have questionable backgrounds we get everything from people who are trying to rebuild their lives, people who just need a part time job to supplement their other disability income, or lazy ass mother fuckers.
I gave myself a reputation pretty quickly with the support staff and the management. Im not above doing your job for you to prove its just that god damn easy (and I'll tell you, no one likes it when a 5'6 skinny white bitch goes "Hold my clipboard." and does a job faster and better) and if you work hard I'll help you with whatever you want. Cant find a box cutter? Here are 2 new ones. Dont want to take out the 2 boxes of catfood that exploded in the heat in the warehouse so its now covered in maggots and smells like something beyond death? I'll at least move it to the side and bat my eyelashes at the manager with the muscles until he takes it out. Whatever you want. If you are lazy though...Im your worst nightmare because I see and hear everything...and I give the most evil look ever which has made people jump right the fuck out of their skin to do whatever it was that I politely asked them to do in the first place.
Yep, I love it. Only thing I dont love is the pay and benefits. Its a non profit so both are shit.
Im working to trying to find something similar with better pay.

Dating:
Im going to leave this as an "Im trying."
Unless it pops into my head none of the past horrible dates will be mentioned. Lets just start fresh here.
I am trying to date. Its not going well. More to come...probably soon.

There, we are all caught up. From now on Im going to blog like normal.

Hold on to your butts.

Maybe its a sign?

After I came home from Israel I called the pre school Lea was supposed to be enrolled in and said I wanted her in for the next semester. I had her enrollment fee and paperwork in back in August and she was geared up to go till I decided to run half way around the world.
They told me there was still room for the days I wanted and it was no problem.
Last week I went in to drop off her immunization records (that they dont require till 30 days after the child starts) and the lady said she thought all the classes were full and I couldnt get in.
Excuse me? My daughter has been enrolled for half a year. Weeks ago there was no issue but now we are bumped?

I didnt freak out. She said someone would call me and let me know. I havent heard anything. I dont think I will because now its Christmas break. I will call a couple times anyway to try and get an answer starting Monday.

Im thinking this is a sign.
I do really want to visit my older sister and her 2 kids in Malaysia. Maybe we should just go.
I also told my in laws I would try to be back for Passover if I can afford it.

Maybe this is just what is supposed to happen. Instead of being in a structured classroom my daughter will just learn from interacting with kids that dont speak her language (my sister was raised in Germany her kids dont speak much English and of course the Israeli family speaks Hebrew) in a verity of social situations in different cultures.

Its not the American suburban wonder bread way but maybe it will just be our way.

You havent seen me angry yet

I found out some of the paperwork I got for my divorce was wrong and there is some other stuff you get after you physically file that everyone needs to sign.

Maor still wont answer my calls.

His parents suggested I call his cousin that he still talks to and ask him to call me. So I did.
I was not pleased with what the cousin said.

Maor is not talking to me because he came to visit a couple weeks ago and I wouldnt let him in the house. He also wants to be away from drama. That is complete bullshit. Maor has NEVER tried to come visit. He hasnt even called.

I told his cousin thank you for the information and for trying.

Inside Im in a rage.

He hasnt come to visit. The only drama is coming from his ignoring the fact that hes an adult with a wife and a child.

Ive decided that after Disney Im going up to Minneapolis again and Im going to stay there as long as it takes to hunt him down and get him to sign. Too bad for him I am relentless and know exactly where to go. I also have no shame when Im angry and will tell EVERYONE what he has done till he signs. I dont give a shit. Im building a new life without him all I need is him out.
He can ignore us as much as he wants when Im not legally bonded to him.

Im on the fucking war path now.

Maor, if you still read my blog, you dont want to know whats going to happen when I get up there but I will tell you anyway. You have 2 weeks to stop acting like a child before I rip you out of your hiding place. I will find you, I will ruin whatever reputation you have made for yourself, I will make you sign the fucking divorce papers, and I will smile the whole time after the lies you have spread.

There is nowhere for you to hide. You and I both know I have all means to hunt you down. I will probably beat you with the paperwork too, which is thick so thats no joke.

My anger at this point has no end.

Im not dead yet!

Well, Im still alive.

Israel was pretty damn awesome.
I hate to say it but the stabbings made it more enjoyable. Instead of them feeling like we should go to every tourist spot that I have seen twice already we stayed around Haifa and went to the beach a lot.
I was in heaven.

Yes tourist spots are great and I LOVE seeing historical sites but I was working my regular hours which in Israel is 12am-8am. So I slept for about 4 hours every day because even though they insisted I sleep they are fucking loud by nature. I can hear an Israeli coming from a mile away. I did have ear plugs because I knew what I was getting into....thats how I got my 4 hours of sleep a day.

So, to explain the previous blog post:
I got home the week of my birthday. I told Maor not to come that first weekend because my aunt and grandma were coming for my birthday and Halloween. My family HATES Maor because of what he has said to me, his not paying child support we agreed on, his now frequent disappearing acts, and lots of other things that happened while we were married that just made them angry.
So my asking him to wait till the week after was really for his own benefit. Who wants to show up to see their kid to be greeted by a family that would turn their backs to an accident happening.
He said OK.

After Lea and I got home I became so sick that my parents thought I was going to die and ended up taking Lea for a while.
I had a temperature of 103 for 2 days straight and started hallucinating.
Before I started getting REALLY bad I called Maor 3 days before he was supposed to come visit and asked if he could come early to take care of Lea. He said he couldnt but suggested I go to the hospital told me to call him later.
2 days later when my fever broke and I could kind of function again I remembered it was the day he was supposed to show up. I called him. No answer. Text. No answer. Facebook. No answer.
I went to the hospital a couple weeks later because whatever I had came back. My parents took Lea again.
I texted Maor to tell him I was in the ER. I called his parents when I got out of the ER. Still nothing from him.

That was 11/6. Its 12/12.
Nothing.

Not for my lack of trying. Ive tried calling, texting, facebook, pleading, threats, calling his parents, skype. NOTHING. No answers.

I think hes seeing someone else. I told his parents that because I still talk to them once or twice a week. Hes not even talking to them anymore.

The explains the last post.

So now Lea and I are doing Hanukkah and preparing for Disney.
I dont know what Lea is going to do when Hanukkah ends. Every night now she gets excited when the sun goes down and sits at the table waiting for me to light the candles and give her presents for the night. That ends in 2 days.

We leave for Disney on the 23rd. The whole thing has been planned out because my aunt Mary is stupidly excited and has been thinking about this for a year.
Im just looking forward to some real time off, seeing family I havent got to really visit with in YEARS, a pool, sun, seeing Leas little face when she sees the freaking castle and all her favorite characters.

My whole plan is to wake Lea up super early on the day we leave and give her a new Disney themed backpack (to be determined, I havent been shopping), new coloring book, new crayons, and her Ipod loaded up with her Disney movies and tell her to get her butt out the door. Shes 3 so she wont get it but that part will be for me. We have to drive 3 hours to the airport.

Its going to be fucking magical. We both deserve a fucking magical week.

This post is for one person.

Maor.

What the fuck?

You have gone M.I.A again.

I dont care what your reasoning is to your parents.

Im currently trying to figure out what to do with you from now on. We will be divorced by the end of the year even if I have to drive up there and make you sign things myself. I wont bring Lea if I do have to come find you. It will just be me and the wrath you know I can bring, behind me.

I just need to figure out what to tell Lea.

Also, Ive decided we are going to Malaysia to visit my sister. I know how much you love the idea of me going to a primarily Muslim country to visit my pro Palestinian family.
Sit on that for a bit.

Happy Holidays.

-Your wife.

Lost in Translation

Lea and I have made it to Israel.

The flight was hell for me. We left at 7pm on Sunday night. Lea slept all the way to Amsterdam but I couldnt sleep for the life of me. I was too excited/nervous.

I was worried that the thing I have to log in for work would be blocked for some reason. I was worried that everything would be super weird with the family seeing as Im divorcing their son.

So no sleep for me. When we got to Amsterdam I was hoping to check into a hotel that I saw in the airport last year but it was under construction so I walked around with Lea till I couldnt move anymore. I plugged her into Disney movies on the Ipad and slept in paranoid 10-20 minute intervals.

We where stuck there for 8 hours. It actually turned into 10 hours because when they started boarding the flight they announced a security issue and made everyone go through security again. 

We arrived in Tel Avivi at 3:30am on Tuesday (their time). 

I dont remember much about Tuesday. I napped off and on and we went to Great Grandpas house. Then I had to work at 1am on Wed.

My hours for work didnt change and I never planned on asking for any time off. So on a normal day here in Israel I work 12am to 8am. 

My schedule has been run around all day, sleep for 2-4 hours, work 8 hours, sleep another 2-4 hours, run around....repeat.

Energy drinks are about $0.50 when you do the conversion though so I have been living off those.

We have been having a great time. Everyone is being super nice. They are really happy to see Lea. 

We have gone to fairs, bbqs, the beach, pools. Its been awesome so far.

Im actually having more fun now then I ever did coming here with Maor. I get to talk more. If I want something I have to suck it up and communicate or figure out a way to get it myself instead of being a sissy and relying on him to do everything for me.

I feel better about being here now. Depending on if Im still in high spirits at the end of the month and how much I end up spending I think its entirely possible that I could really make this kind of trip once a year no problem.

The only time I felt slightly uncomfortable so far was a total misunderstanding.

Ive been hanging out with one of Maors sister a lot. She asked me if I wanted to go to a pub around 4pm for a beer. I said sure.

So at 3:45 I was hanging out on the couch and she said "Get ready!"

I was wearing a pair of jean shorts and plain t-shirt. I looked down at myself and said "I am ready, I just need to get my shoes."

Her "Noooo! You need to dress up!"

Me "Why? We are going for a beer."

Her "Everyone dresses up to go to the pub."

We argued about it for a little bit and I sighed and put on more of a going out shirt but kept the shorts. We had an argument about how my shorts are beach shorts in Israel.

She tried to dress me in her cloths (we have totally different tastes) and I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to wear jean shorts and wasnt doing my makeup so lets just fucking go.

The pub was not a pub. It was a night club that was confused about the time.

Club dance music, people dancing on the bar, confetti guns.... holy shit.

I had fun but thats not a pub!

Im still arguing with her about the meaning of pub and club.

One week down. 

I hope we get to go to Jeruselem before we have to leave. We where supposed to go yesterday but because of the terrorist attacks we are staying away from it.

Lets get out of here!

Well, I did have Lea enrolled in preschool and swim classes...

Then I lost my damn mind and decided that I should go to Israel to visit the inlaws for a month.

Ok, I didnt really lose my mind. I have a job where I can work from anywhere and Lea doesnt HAVE to be in school for another 2 years so I just decided to take advantage of my flexibility and take Lea to spend time with the other side of her family. They will like it, she needs to get to know that half of the family, and I... am probably going to end up doing some sort of Eat, Pray, Love thing out of all of this.

I need to buy a new phone so I can get international data and texting for free on my plan.
If you would like updates while Im in Israel...keep reading this blog or see my snapchat: Immora or twitter: Immora1
Its free.

If you want to help pay for the new phone.... donate link is over there --->

If you dont, Im getting it anyway because upgrading my phone is cheaper than international rates! And my phone is 3 years old. Im surprised it still works.

I went on a date tonight.  Im torn on how it went. He was nice, interesting, and funny. I really liked him. I dont like that I liked him. Im slightly disgusted with myself for liking him.
If he doesnt like me Im going to be disappointed.
If he does like me Im leaving the country for a month and who will actually wait around for that?
This is a disaster.
If I actually thought I was going to like someone I never would have done this dating thing!