Waiting..

I love my job but after working a week alone with the twit of the office I started to say "Thank god Im going on vacation."

I cant stand that woman. 3 months in to the job and she still acts like its week 3. I actually got to the point around 4pm on Friday where I told myself if I heard her sigh one more time like our job was the hardest job on the planet I would throw whatever was in my hand at the time at her head because 1) We are in our dead period.....there is NOTHING to do. 2) Even in the summer I cant believe how much they are paying me to do what I do because its so god damn easy but I come from a retail background where you are expected to shit diamonds and get paid in the peanuts that clustered around that shit.

Luckily the phone didnt ring again and I was too involved in my Hay Day game to throw my phone at her while she sighed over a mundane task she cant complete in the time that a competent person can. 

5pm rolled around an Im officially on vacation! Oh god! I have to clean the house, I have to do the laundry, I have to pack, I have my Grandma AND Aunt staying with us till we leave so I need to be entertaining and attend family parties I would otherwise ignore.... yay vacation!

Im trying to be calm. Im self medicating with booze. Always after Lea goes to bed of course...until then Im a silent ball of stress. 

I dont want to pack while my Grandma is around because she will have her opinions on what I pack and how to pack it and I also dont want Lea around because she will think its a game and unpack whatever I packed.

All I was really stressing about Friday before I came home was packing... and I had a plan...

then I got home.

My Grandma had cooked EVERYTHING in my house so we can eat it before it goes bad...even though half of what she cooked is canned and/or wont go bad till a few weeks after we come home so now shes nagging us to eat constantly so things wont go to waste. A lot of food is going to go to waste. Which is why when she handed me $40 for spending money I took it and thought "we are about even" while my aunt yelled in the background "how come when I offered you money for Israel you wouldnt take it!?"

My aunt and I wanted to go to Wolf of Wall St but we couldnt go till after Lea went to bed because this is my aunts last weekend with Lea and if she misses a second of it she will be devastated. Its a 3 hour movie. It was a good movie... ridiculously obscene. It would have been a great movie if they did some editing because 3 hours was too much. So we got home way past my bed time and ended up waking up my Grandma who then decided that midnight was a great time to start cleaning my house. So I stayed up with her for a bit because I felt rude going to bed while she was doing my dishes and scrubbing my baseboards while telling stories about when she was my age. 

Today did laundry and entertained. A cousin called and said they were dropping by to say "hi" and drop off a present for Lea. She gave Lea a beautiful jewelry/music box that plays Hatikvah. Maor and I were both floored. Its beautiful! My cousin kept passing it off like it was something she just had and didnt know who to give it to which I know is bull because my Catholic pork eating family wouldnt just pick up a jewelry box with a gold David star on it that plays the Israeli national anthem unless there was a reason. We love it! The more we said we loved it the more she acted like it was nothing. Thats my family.

Later we went to a late family Christmas party. It was fun. We left early because Lea was overly moody. She knows something is up and has been off for the last couple of days. 

Tomorrow my aunt has agreed to take Lea and Gramzy out of the house for a few hours so we can pack without being bothered. 

Monday I will surely be crawling out of my skin waiting to get on the plane.

Did I mention we got a package? I didnt.

We did.

The timing is horrible. A fetish of mine arrives at my door and I cant do anything about it because I have a house full of family till we leave.

If we have time after packing tomorrow I might post pictures of it.

The last minute Christmas

Im sure I have mentioned that Lea has become obsessed with Elmo. Last weekend my aunt and I went in search of a plain Jane stuffed Elmo. No talking, no hugging, no giggling, no stupid hard box in the middle of it... just a soft stuffed Elmo. Surprisingly stupidly hard to find!
Somewhere around the 3rd store we went to we started to side track to thinking about when my little sister is going to move out of the house and how shes going to need Christmas things for her dorm and/or shitty apartment and we found a little bright purple shiny fake tree with built in lights for $15 and bought it because we want to make sure she has a tree 2 years from now. Then we side tracked to the discount movie bin and found a few old good ones that we thought we might as well wrap up because Lea loves ripping wrapping paper.
Then I MAY have grabbed a new Princess to go with her Klip Klop castle....
And we may have decided to hide everything in the trunk of my aunts car as a surprise for Lea and Maor.

I did find a plain Jane Elmo at the 5th store. It was the last one on the shelf and I screamed like a mad woman when I found it which made the couple filling out a baby registry look at me funny till I looked them both dead in the eyes and said, "This is what you will become!" before running away screaming Marco-Polo for my aunt.

The Elmo we opened when we got home and hid in the living room then took bets on how long it would take for Lea to find it. 10 minutes. Shes the happiest baby ever.

Madonna came back up Tue night to spend Christmas with us. We snuck in the purple tree and the presents while Maor was doing tubby time with Lea. I got Maor to go to bed early but warned him that there was going to be a surprise in the morning because he tends to get a bit cranky if you wake him up early.

So Christmas morning we woke up to Lea playing in her crib and listened for my Aunt to go and get her. Then we listened for her to tell Lea to go get us. Nothing. It was excruciating listening as her little feet went by our room and waiting for her to start yelling with excitement. Nothing.
All we heard was "Apple!" and some shuffling. I started to think my aunt fell asleep and forgot to set everything up when Lea pushed open our door and said, "Mama! Aba! Mama! Aba! Ets go!"
My aunt didnt have to tell her to come get us. Lea walked in to the living room, saw the little tree, made my aunt cut up a pear that was sitting by the tree then went to go get us by herself.

So we had ourselves a tiny Christmas. Maor did enjoy it. I think we will do it again next year. Just as long as we keep it small.

Blood is a liquid.

I do not like to talk about my real dad. Its a conversation I avoid like the plague.

I refer to my step dad as my dad and only acknowledge the fact that he isnt my real dad when people get to know me well enough that they notice my last name doesnt match anyone in my family. I was never officially adopted by my step dad and I didnt take Maors last name because for a few years we hid our marriage. Its just turned in to one of those things that you keep forgetting to get around to until someone says "but wait.." and you go "Oh yeah... I really need to get that paperwork in."

There are 2 people in my family that constantly bring up my dad. My grandma, who acts like my dad was Jesus reborn and my mom couldnt keep the marriage together, and my aunt who thinks blood means something.

For all of my life I have entertained their conversations about my dad to let them live in their fantasies of who he was. I dont spend a lot of time with my grandma and cherish her wisdom and memories....even if I dont agree with them...and this is the first time I have spent more than 2 weeks at a time with my aunt. So the once a year "have you talked to your dad? You know you should send him a card or something..." has turned in to a monthly conversation where I am slowly trying to work in my distaste for my dad in hopes that they will pick up on it.

Earlier today my dad was worked into the conversation again and my aunt and I snapped on each other. 

We were talking about what we need in Israel to get Leas Israeli citizenship while we are there when my aunt chimed in like she knew it all that Lea couldnt get citizenship in another country until she was 18 and could do it on her own cause thats how my half sister through my dad did it.

I said, "Who told you that she had to wait till she was 18? All she had to do was walk in to an office with my dad and sign some paperwork."

She said, "Well he would have done that if thats how it worked."

I said, "No he wouldnt! Remember when I went to Florida with my sister for 2 weeks with Dotty and the whole purpose of it was so we could both see our dad? She flew all the way in from Germany for 2 weeks just to see her dad for the first time in YEARS never mind me and he DIDNT SHOW UP ONCE! If he cant come to dinner hes not going to show up at a court house."

Maor jumped in and I cant remember what he said to try and calm the conversation but my aunt snapped "No! Her dad is mentally ill and she forgets that it is an illness!!"

I had to walk away. 

I dont forget my dad is mentally ill. I have been reminded of it a lot through life. He reminded me on the days when he actually picked me up on his visitation days. His chaperon reminded me when he was acting off. His mother reminded me when she tried to make up for his absence but honestly she wasnt too stable herself.  I saw a lot of psychologists through life because my mother was so worried that I was going to inherit his madness. They reminded me constantly by asking question after question about things that I just wanted to forget. When I became old enough to figure out what they wanted to hear, a sad case of a child who inherited their tortured fathers disease because that would make a fantastic book entry or magazine article I gave them what they wanted and started to rip apart the new family my mom gave me.

Yes, my real father is bipolar and possibly other things. Does that make the way he treated me and ignored me ok? No. It never will. It will never excuse the times I saw him doing coke. It will never excuse the times he didnt show up for visitation. It wont excuse his not paying child support so my mom had to struggle. It wont excuse never EVER trying to talk to me even though I sent countless cards until I finally figured out I didnt fit in his world.

My sister may be the better person. She does try to talk to him. She calls him every few weeks and wants him to know his Grandkids. She believes blood is blood. She believes he really loved her mom and my mom got in the way. Im ok with that. She grew up with her mom in Germany and didnt have to sit through one of his episodes. She didnt puke after a visitation with him from anxiety. She didnt go on national news as the sad child of a mother speaking up for harsher child support laws.

I dont know how to explain to someone that blood is a liquid. Emotions are my solid. My sister is my sister because we can go YEARS without talking then pick back up without missing a beat. My husband is Leas father because hes there for her, he kisses her boo boos, he sings songs, he plays princess pony's, he is aba (daddy in hebrew). Even if he wasnt really her father he would be her father. My step dad is my dad because he has been there for me when I was a good kid, when I was a shitty teenager, when I was an idiot new adult, and hes a fantastic Grandpa. 

I want my step dad to be my dad.

I dont ever want Lea knowing another grandpa exists, especially after my sister told me that she wont tell him shes Muslim because hes a white supremacist (funny thing, as soon as said that a few nazi comments I remember dad saying suddenly made sense) and he may have committed murder. Hes just not a great role model.

So I paced the house today fed up with talking about him thinking of how to end the conversations so he can just be dead to me. 

Maor made a stupidly simple suggestion to just tell people from now on "[Name] is my dad. I dont have another one." End of story.

I need to stop arguing and end the conversations all together. I only have one dad.

The sweet smell of success

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Standing by..

Well I feel kind of boring not having anything to update about but... there isnt much to update about.

At work Im still dealing with a complete muppet of a new hire. Well, shes been around for 3 months but acts like shes been there for 2 weeks. The woman drives me to drink heavily. I worked a Saturday a few weeks ago to replace some hours I dont have vacation time for this month and one tech asked me "Is she going to get any better?" I said, "Nope, probably not."

Home life is Lea and Maor. Lea has become obsessed with Elmo.
Maor is about to jump out of his skin hes so excited to go home.

We are STILL trying to find a place to ourselves in Israel. Its hard to book things there because their 4 star hotels are not the same as our 4 start hotels. Their 4 is our 3 or 2.
"The staff didnt tell me to fuck off when I complained that my room wasnt ready 2 hours after I was supposed to check in. 4 stars!"

No plans...just waiting..

and re-watching Doctor Who.

Happy late Thanksgiving/Hanukkah!

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!!

We had a busy long weekend. We drove down to my parents house on Wed and I stayed up half the night making deserts that I promised to make. Pumpkin pie and red stuff (red stuff is cherry jello with fruit and sour cream...sounds disgusting but its fantastic and goes great with turkey).
Thursday we did our family Thanksgiving/Hanukkah. My parents made the dinner all kosher even though I told them not to because we only stay away from pork. Everything turned out great!
Friday I hung out with a few friends I havent seen in forever.
Saturday I hung out with Jasmine from Camwhores! No shows or anything. We were just chilling and posting a few pictures. We took home some ideas for bedroom activities *wink wink*

Sunday we drove home...to a mini party at our house. My aunt decided to commandeer my house and use it as a meeting place for a few relatives. Thats fine... I dont know these people and was looking forward to putting Lea to bed and going to bed myself but ok...we had one more bottle of wine left so I could smile through it and drink through it. Then we found out my Grandma got bored while we were gone and started going through our bedroom. Not ok. I dont care if she wants to clean and reorganize my house but stay the hell out of our bedroom.
So I poured myself a VERY large glass of wine, said hi to the strange people in my house, and listened to my Grandma explain what she did to organize my closet.  As shes pulling out corsets, nighties, costumes, and toys and telling me why I should keep them organized the way she put them I noticed that she didnt once ask what the hell any of them were for or even look shocked at the fact that they were in there. Which makes me wonder...
Did she always expect me to be a little bit of a freak?
How many times has she been through my ex stripper cousins closet?
How much of a freak was she back in the day?

Things that make you go hmmm.

I did end up getting a little rude to get everyone out of my house which I feel a little bad about. My aunt asked me what I was doing for Christmas eve in front of everyone and I told her I didnt want to do anything. She said, "Good! We host a game night!" and made eye contact with all the relatives. I said, "Umm...no, Im looking forward to a quiet night of doing NOTHING."
I think I ruffled her feathers because I havent heard from her since Sunday night which is abnormal but seriously.... your making plans at MY house without asking me before hand. I'll call her tomorrow.

Hanukkah has been fun so far. Lea has already learned part of the prayer song and sings it with us which makes Maor a very proud daddy. We have been giving her a new present every night. Its not something they do in Israel but we decided its what we will do to hopefully play down Christmas.
So far she has gotten a new sippy cup, a toothbrush and cookies (cause you need a reason to use the toothbrush), PJ's, the Disney Princess KlipKlop castle, and a couple books. We also got her more crayons and a magna doodle for the plane ride to Israel that she hasnt opened yet.

Im so excited to go to Israel! Even though we are going to be bringing a baby half way across the world I feel very relaxed about this trip compared to 2 years ago. Ive met Maors family and friends already so Im not nervous about if they will like me or not. I saw all the big things I wanted to see already. We have a rental car...putting Lea on the train to get to Haifa was giving me an anxiety attack.
I just want to get there, drive to Kiryat Ata, stop for shawarma, hit up the cafe next door for an espresso, and shoot across the street to look at shoes (3 shekels is 1 dollar!). After that I can face an endless stream of family trying to pinch my babies cheek.
The only other definite in the trip so far is Hamat Gader. The hot springs! Smells like a rotten eggs but feels FANTASTIC. The trip is for the whole family but Maor and I are searching for a little get away for just the two of us and Im thinking a night where we stay behind and enjoy the spa treatment a little longer would be a good idea.
If that doesnt work hes got an uncle who drives a tour bus who has already told me to see him for romantic ideas.