I will be this kind of mom

This is why I usually dont listen to people....

Today I had the most perfect waste of an hour and $15 because my friends were all, "You should go to Planned Parenthood so can get vitamins and they will tell you stuff."
Seemed like a good idea. Get some vitamins that Im sure would cost a fortune if I tried to go into a doctors office without insurance. Maybe get a due date or some sort of blood test to make sure Im not really carrying some sort of half breed alien monster from space. (I dont even go to the doctor for yearly physicals. I watch TV. On TV if you give a doctor 15 minutes he tells you that your going to die of super black death ice cream cancer then 10 minutes later hes cured you! So dont judge!)

So I went to Planned Parenthood, paid $15, filled out some paperwork, and peed in a cup, then waited a bit. When they called me in the woman asked me to sit down and said, "Your pregnant."
I looked at her and said, "Yeah, I know."
Silence.
She looked down at the chart and looked back at me and said, "Oh, well you should start looking for a regular doctor."
"Thats the problem. My insurance doesnt work until October so I was hoping to get all that pregnancy stuff you need done here until then."
"We dont do that."
"You dont?"
"No. I would give you the forms to get state care but Im pretty sure you wont qualify."
"Your right, I wont. Sooooo.... can I get these pill thingies people keep telling me I should be taking here?"
"No. You can get them at any pharmacy in the vitamins section."
"Ok, well is there any way of knowing how far along I am?"
"When was your last period?"
"July 10th-ish"
The lady spins a little paper dial, "Im guessing about 6 weeks."
"Yeah I was guessing that too..."

Annnd that was it.
Such a disappointment.

The epic battle that you totally slept through

Last night I was having problems sleeping. Mostly because Mo kept waking me up with time sensitive matters like buying tickets to the midnight showing of Conan the Barbarian.

So around 1am I kinda half woke up to the feeling of hair sliding down my forehead. I went to push it out of the way and got this creepy ass feeling that something just ran across my face.
I sat up and turned on the light to find Mo sleeping on his side facing away from me and a HUGE FREAKING BROWN SPIDER chilling on his shoulder trying to blend in with our blankets.

I jumped up, grabbed a DVD case off the dresser and announced in my calmest half asleep-freaked out-almost-yelling voice, "Dont move! I got this! Im going to kill this sucker!"
My half asleep brain didnt realize that Mo was still asleep and totally unaware of the half dollar sized spider perched on this shoulder like a parrot.

I hit the spider kinda gently at first cause I felt bad about hitting Mo. I screamed "I got him!" and lifted the DVD case up then screamed "Shit! Hes still alive!" as the spider ran down to Mos leg.
The stupid spider was fast and built like a tank. It ran up and down Mo as I wacked at it for a good 30 seconds screaming "Sorry!" every time I hit him.
Finally, the spider got back up to Mos shoulder and I wacked it as hard as I could. The spider crumpled in defeat onto the bed and Mo sat up and looked at me like, "What did I do?" as I pumped my fist in the air and screamed "I got him!!!"

Mo just blinked at me and said, "Why did you hit me?"
"I told you there was a spider! Look! Its freaking huge!"
Mo looked at the spider, "Wow, hes big! You killed him?"

....No, I asked him politely to go to hell, so he did.
Im bummed. I hate spiders and usually run away from them and get someone else to kill them but this time I valiantly squished the sucker myself which probably saved Mo from getting his brains sucked out by the monster and he slept through it!
I didnt even get a thank you.

Decisions have been made.

I guess Im going to be a mommy

....unless this is a phantom pregnancy brought on by the woman who was training me being super pregnant and constantly telling me shes contagious

....or I sneeze too hard. I heard sneezing too hard could dislodge the kid.

Fuckberries

Just tested positive for babies.

Not sure how I feel about that.

Also not sure what Im going to do about it. Im going to think on it for a couple of days.

I can has my house back now?

My father in law lives with us.

That should be the end of my post. Everyone feel my pain. Goodnight.

But it wont be because 

A) Hes not a horrible person. I would never say he is.

B) My foreign father in law is living with us.

My father in law married a crazy trailer trash woman here in the US. I knew she was crazy trailer trash. I knew it wouldn't last. Now we can all say that I have the gift of calling trailer trash as I see it. I wouldnt say he didnt have his faults in the relationship. He does call my husbands mom an awful lot... 

I dont hate my husbands dad being here. He is a very nice man.... but he does kinda drive me crazy...

He sings. Off key, in Hebrew...LOUDLY all day long. My husband does the same thing. It was annoying when it was one person, now its even more annoying in stereo.

He likes to talk for the sake of talking which is my BIGGEST pet peve. Trying to fill awkward silence is one thing, but when Im in the middle of a video game and a 50ish yr old man walks into a room to talk I do not want to pause my game for this:

Him: "You know salad is the healthiest for you."

Me: "Yep."

Him: "You know why its healthy?"

Me: "uh"

Him: "Because its made of vegetables!"

Me: "Yeah... it sure is..."

Also, he cooks. This should be an awesome thing. I work full time now. My husband works full time. Coming home to food should be great! .....Its not.... he uses so much oil in his food that it separates on the plate. There is no flavor and hes PROUD of the fact that he doesnt taste his food while cooking. I've been told that he has owned 3 restaurants in the past. Im pretty sure they failed but no one will actually say it. I dont want to insult him so I just buy food before I leave work and say its left over from lunch. I havent had a day off around him yet. Im coming up on one and Im actually planning lies to get out of the talapia/salmon/canned corn/ oil surprise he so fond of making.I can  now understand why my husband loves my cooking. 

One last problem. I cant walk around my own house naked!! Why the hell should I pay rent when I cant run around in my birthday suit whenever the hell I want! I sleep naked. If I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night I have to get up, put on cloths, walk 5 feet to the bathroom, do my business, walk back, get undressed, and go back to bed.

THAT SHIT JUST PISSES ME OFF! 

Forget everything else. I want him out just so I can have naked time again. I dont stand for that shit! There is a reason why I never lived with room mates!

*completely unrelated note. Since I got back into the cam thing. I did the camgirl thing and got a wishlist again... but the only thing I could think of off the top of my head that I wanted was a Sonic screwdriver and the Firefly DVD set. So if you want to bring me non naked joy...or want to help my husband locksmith business (cause he would be FUCKING UNSTOPPABLE with a sonic screwdriver) thats here: http://amzn.com/w/1JQD6BNZE3DTT

Otherwise...send nudz to immora01@gmail.com and add me as a Google+ friend*

Back in Black

Im back on CW.


I told my husband, "Look, this is what I like to do. Would you prefer me being on CW or do you want me to terrorize the neighbors with my stupid naked antics?"


Guess which one he agreed to.Lots of things seem to have changed in the last year.


If you want to catch up on my life so far you can do so here: http://sporksandcrayons.blogspot.com/


if you need to email me Im here: immora01@gmail.com


I do have a Google+ profile. I dont have a facebook.


I will be using this blog so more will be added...as life goes on.


Im very excited to be back!